For you… I miss

When you miss someone so much….
Your heart aches pains of desperation

When you miss someone so much….
Your thoughts keep wandering off to the realms of all what-if’s

When you miss someone so much…
Your body hungers for that unique, extraordinary touch

When you miss someone so much…
Your life feels empty and completely lost for cause

When you miss someone so much…
You owe grace for having been loved

When you miss someone so much…
You learn the difference between what was right and how you wronged

When you miss someone so much…
Your world crumbles into shattered hopes

When you miss someone so much…
You wonder if serendipity will bring to each a soulmate

When you miss someone so much….
You feel true love sometimes prevails even though it has not been yours to have

When you miss someone so much…
You hide within you the excruciating jolts of pain from missing someone oh so very very much.

Mr. Tinder & Miss Tinderella

So I joined Tinder a little while ago and found myself fishing in a seemingly never-ending pond of eager men. For those of you who are not very familiar with this new dating-hype, let me explain.

Tinder is an App, quick to download and you can easily login with your Facebook account which enables the app to check your friends and likes. This way you can tell if you have someone in common or any interests you may share. Once you’ve created your account, set up your best picture(s), chosen the age group you’re interested in and the radius in which you wish to find your Mr. Tinder (or Miss Tinderella), you can start swiping! 
I found myself mostly swiping men off to the left side of the screen towards the cross, which indicates that you’re not interested and wish to see the next potential Mr. Tinder – ASAP! In fact I got so used to left-swiping that my thumb  became accustomed to it and automatically swerves to the left as soon as I reject or disapprove of a guy in real life! *just kidding
At times I got so fanatic about swiping left, that I’d swipe away a gorgeous guy and in a frantic attempt to get him back I’d do a few right-swipes on the screen towards the heart, accidentally liking men I never-in-a-million-years would choose to like. Luckily if they like you back and you get a Tinder-match there’s still the option to block them in the chatroom. How friendly I must come across…*gulp
Anyway, once you get the hang of it, you’re off and it becomes a great pass-time. You can swipe away through lunch, boring dates, in waiting rooms, and even during visits to the loo. Suddenly men become available to you everywhere and at any time of day. It’s amazingly addictive especially since you keep thinking the next guy WILL be the one – but NEVER is…
However fun it seems at first though, you soon start noticing some patterns in the photographs. For example the incredible amount of men that seem to (want you to) think they own a plane, sports car or boat, if you hit the jackpot he has all three of them neatly stacked amongst his pictures. Also, men seem to be sportier than ever these days, some guys include pictures of their skiing trips, surf jumps, sky-diving adventures, golfing rounds, you name it – they sport it! Anything just to get us Tinderella’s panting for them.
The real ‘eye-catchers’ however are the men that wear sunglasses. No matter what time of day or night, it seems they’d rather show off their newest Ray-Ban’s than grant us a quick peek into their soul. But whilst some men like to hide, others enjoy propagating what they’ve got. I’ve seen the naked buttocks, accentuated sweat pants full of dick-head, naked fat guys, naked thin guys, atrocious selfies taken in bathroom mirrors, which kind of defeat the purpose of a selfie in my opinion, but who am I to judge right?!
AND last but certainly not least, girlfriends’ husbands or partners, parading on Tinder without a care in the world, pretending they’re single and available. Just being ‘one of the boys’ trying out a new  App. These encounters DO make my heart skip a beat, not from excitement but rather from bottled-up-confused-anger. It’s not up to me to judge their ‘drive’ to join this type of datingsite, but I don’t want to become someone’s bait-of-the-day in such polluted waters either! It confuses and hurts everyone involved as sometimes chats grow into conversations that may end up budd-y-ing into more of what never should have had ground to grow on in the first place. 
Strangely enough I’d gotten quite used to all sorts of boundary changing 21st century scenarios, but this has jolted back a sense of right & wrong that I never expected to have lost sight of in the first place.

So to all the Tinder-seekers of the world, may your fairytale not end up turning sour at the sight of your neighbour’s current husband scantily dressed in see-through yoga pants, provocatively lying on the table you had dinner at last week. 

Spring has sprung

As I shake the remaining autumn leaves off the eagerly budding plants I realise that winter never really made an appearance this year. The cold never set in and it was a mild ending and beginning of a year, in every sense of the word. The air was mostly soft and tepid even during the few ferocious storms that nearly blew our heads off. As if the gales were there especially to cleanse the skies, and leave us all with a breath of fresh air and fanned hearts. In a way, I think it did just that. I remember standing outside breathing; just breathing in, and breathing out, each breath filled with the rage and calmness of the storm that playfully collided into place right inside of me.

It calmed my life and helped it to settle into what has become quite a comfortable setting. Not much ‘living la vida loca’ anymore, but a lot more joy and acceptance towards life itself. Friends come and go, just as the seasons do. Some very profound friendships didn’t survive whereas others unexpectedly made an entry straight into my heart and still remain there for the time being. As the warmer weather is teasingly coming round the corner, I realise that life truly blooms once spring arrives…

Not only do the birds and the bees go looking for a playful mate, so do we! It’s part of the ritual of spring and cycle of life. A bud signifies the promise of something new. With a sassy determination to look good and always ready to seduce you with its luscious scent. The never-ending circle is right back to where it begins each and every year; just like that – spring has sprung.

I love this time of year, when the fruit trees blossom in their softest shades of pastel colours. White and pink Magnolias decorating lawns with their almond-like majestic flowers. Whenever I take my puppy out for a walk, I take a peek at this magical season called spring, which definitely has me under its spell. A rush of joy and excitement overflows me and titillates the promise of things to come.

It gives us all a chance to start over, and a reason to open our eyes and ears, to see and hear new things as our senses get tickled into hope and novelty. There isn’t a more natural time of year for any being to evolve, to enjoy life, to breathe-in courage and to feel love.

So, if you’re anything like me: and want to brush off some of the wintry-comfort-coating. Just indulge in the bold beauty of spring and look forward to the blooming opportunities that may grace your life this year!

I’m not about to nip this springtime in the bud, since it’s brought me a breeze of inspiration that has settled on my shoulders and with that I’ve been inspired to write some more…

A life less ordinary

This year started off for me with a bundle of gratitude, a ray of hope and a magnitude of plans. I set off to conquer myself and explore all that I could offer. It took a lot of falling down and getting right back-uppers, but slowly things started settling right into place. I rounded off my first year of the pharmaceutical course, passed my exams, but decided that a life behind the counter was not my cup of tea. It took quite some weeks of actual work experience to help me see the light. But when it hit me, I radically decided to change direction.

If anything I’ve learnt that I’m a ‘people person’, that I care about what else is out there and that I need to find a way to combine what matters most. Slowly the pieces of the puzzle are falling into place.
Life has thrown me chances that I have happily grabbed and which I’m trying my best at.
I’m no super person though, there’s still so much to learn, to evolve and to achieve. I still need to practise what I preach sometimes, but I know I’m on the right track!
As life unfolds its unexpected opportunities, and helps me see how lucky I truly am, I feel my gratitude rising, and my spirit filling up with a warm glow of hope and love.

I’ve grown, I’ve prospered, I’ve taken brand new roads. I’ve found that it’s never too late to learn, always possible to change and that when you find true love it can quietly sit around in the corners of your heart faithfully believing that its destiny will one day be fulfilled, no matter what.
In everything you learn to trust that what comes your way is meant to be, and that what doesn’t probably is not. The least that you can do is take a chance and life will grant you with an outcome fit to mould you into just the person that your spirit longs to be.

I’m so thankful for the turns my life has taken, for the friends and family I share it with, for the ones that were once part of it, even if they are now nowhere to be found. I’m even thankful for the solitude that heartache brought me, as it’s made me realise who I am and where my heart lies. Life is like that, it gives and it takes away, but what is left is most essential, a bundle of experiences, clinging on to one another until some get untangled or resolved.

If anything I’m just a little wiser, just a little stronger and just a bit more determined to follow my dreams and aspirations. I look forward to another year of all of this and more! I can only hope that it will bring as many crucial eye-openers to myself as well as others.
May so many hearts stop aching, so much anger disappear, may we find each other in the darkness and celebrate without any fear. May we be forgiven for the things we once did wrong, and now show kindness in return. May the fears that are deep within us find the courage to evolve, into warm acts of friendliness towards anyone in need. And may all that you wish come true …

Merry Christmas and a loving New Year to you!

Shitty Happiness

Nothing lasts forever and even true love tends to fade. At times it gets slaughtered so much and tested so often that it just dissolves and perishes, when you thought it never would. Nothing left. Just gone, as suddenly as it once appeared it disappears.

Did I ever think it possible? No! Absolutely not. But it’s become crystal clear that it’s just the way it goes in life, it can happen to anyone, at any given time. Is it painful? Yes! Utterly, excruciatingly sometimes. Does it mean you stop living? Does it mean life ends? No! It’s a miracle really, surviving such heartache and loss. But we survive and as we do, life has a way of softening the blow, of healing the pain and putting things back into perspective. And one day if we’re ready and willing, love may invade again without warning.

Just recently I had a friend visiting and I heard myself spontaneously telling her how happy I am nowadays, everything is going well, the kids are settled, I’m enjoying my translation work, my writing is thriving and life is good and merry. I told her things couldn’t be better!

She smiled, a knowing smile. The kind that says ‘been there, done that’ and then after quietly having listened to my ‘happy talk’, she said she understood completely. She too had experienced that exact same feeling yet now that she was back in a relationship, her feelings were all over the place again. She told me, that in life, it’s easy to survive alone, you get to do what you want when you want, however you want, with whomever you want. Easy. However, once you meet someone again, the challenge really starts, compromise, sharing, and making room for someone else in your life is not so easy! If we spend too many years living alone, it’s pretty tough to adapt and accept this new ‘intruder’ into what has comfortably become our own peaceful atmosphere.

But it brings a new perspective, a new challenge and a wider scope on life. This is when you really get tested, have you actually changed? Like you said you had… Are you really more settled and happy? Or did the problems disappear just because there was no one there to argue with. No one around to hit any sensitive strings that may cause irritation or rub you the wrong way? It’s at this point that it will become clear to you whether all you thought had changed, grown and was learnt, really has changed, grown and been learnt!

You see, her point was: sometimes things are easier said than done. Sometimes we think we’ve solved our shit, but when we are confronted with the cause again, we may realise that nothing is really solved, nothing has really changed.

I thought about that, for a long time after she left.

And I realised, that the only way to find out, if what I say and think I feel about being in a good place right now is true, is by challenging myself again with that which scares me most. Having said that, I needed to define what that was. It then dawned upon me that my biggest fear is actually letting someone back in. I fear the havoc and sweet surrender of love sending shivers down my spine. I fear losing the (false) sense of comfort that I now reside in, I dread the invasion of love, because I now know, that sometimes it doesn’t last forever, sometimes it leads nowhere, sometimes it hurts and most times it still scares the shit out of me. Which brings the circle right back round to why it’s so easy to be happy right now, there’s just no pile of shit I have to deal with! Simple as that.

No worries though…manure has a way of fertilising the soil so that crops will prosper…someday! For now…I’m happy enough!