Category: Miesblog

Upon reading an email I received the other day, it occured to me that in writing, we sometimes leave a sentence ‘unfinished’ and use  ‘…’   (three dots)  to ‘end’ it. It got me thinking about how much is actually ‘unwritten’ in those few dots, and it dawned on me that it’s often so much more than in all the actual words it was preceded by.

The dots are put in place for us to pause and think about their meaning. Mainly so that we fill in the blanks with assumptions, careful that we don’t completely miss the point that was supposed to be made by them. It’s a kind of ‘no man’s land’ where words and meanings can get lost or found. Where we sometimes like to place the unknown or unspoken. That which ought not to be said out loud, only ponderd. It is what we sometimes want and wish for but do not dare to openly expect. It is what we say, when we have no words left to say it.

The silence of the dots is not silent at all, if you think about it. Even though we see no words, a multitude of them may fill that dotted line, expressing so much more than the actual words ever could. It is an entire ‘world’ of thoughts and wishes that opens up with only one key  …  three dots and the magical world opens.

Which brings me back to the email itself. It was one written by a lovely person, who lives in his safe and predictable comfort zone, someone who rarely steps outside his personal borders, but who is now about to embark on the biggest adventure possible for him. A foreign country, far away from friends and family. A leap into the unknown, across the point of no return, and even though a return ticket has already been booked, the outcome of his journey remains unknown for now. Time will tell, I suppose, in his case, as this time his clock is ticking and there is no way back to the comfort zone that there once was. Everything must change. Seasons come and seasons go, but never quite the same.
The message I received was left open ended by 3 famous dots, the ones that hold the key to the unexpected outcome of what his travels may bring about.

It is when we step outside the lines, of what we’re used to, that we see new things, and experience the novelty of unchartered territories. Just like the sentence with a dotted open ending, we too must sometimes dare to leave some blanks if only to enable us to see or feel the new frontiers. Once in a while though step on to a dot and use it as the stepping stone it’s meant to represent, taking us far and beyond that which we may be able to express only in words.

It is there, in the silence of no words that so much is said.
Life may just be all about our travels on that dotted line …..

To be honest I think it sounds very uncool to ‘love yourself’, it’s one of those terms I feel only meditative spiritual people use, and frankly, I don’t think of myself as a spiritual person so much, even though my  life seems to have become a stream of filosofical ideas put into words every once in a while. But, having come to the conclusion that that (loving yourself that is) is what must be done, it leaves me no choice but to try and find a way to do so, within my self defined spiritual being.

In times of (great) need, people turn to anything or anyone they can to find strength, courage and especially hope. It may be sought after in weekly yoga or pilates, in hobbies and work, or, as in many cases in a form of  religion. For God seems to be the person we turn to in times of trouble. I am seldom a truly religious person, and shamefully admit that it has mostly only been in times of need. I believe there is a God out there however, but not at all the type of God we are told about in church or school. ‘God’ has always felt more like a good friend, a companion of (difficult) journeys, always, bestowing upon me a sense of safety. Accomodating me with an aura of ‘being around’, whenever, wherever, all I need to do is talk to Him, like I would to any other good and faithful friend. He has kindly been the one to love me through thick and thin….however awful I thought myself to be.

I have often referred to God as ‘The Man Upstairs’ because when I think of ‘Him’, I feel his presence overlooking me. We seem to have been through a lot ‘together’ and even though, I don’t always feel that I should summon him, because there are numerous others with more desperate needs. Still, I have never felt Him leave my side for even a single moment.

No, I am not trying to make anyone a believer who is not, or force a ‘religion’ onto anyone. All I want to say, is that in some strange way, I have never felt alone, it’s like someone has always been around, and in my worst moments, He has been my zone of comfort, hope and faith. Always there to talk to, cry to and laugh with. I have no idea what ‘kind’ of God, He may actually be, or which ‘religion’ He may be most asscociated with. All I know is that there has always been a sense of unconditional  friendship, emerging from this entity, and to me He’s been a kind of ‘backup-guy’,  best described by his unique and universal name ‘God’.

Challenging and difficult times cause people to search for this backup and support. Just knowing He is there helps you to start climbing your problem mountains, and that is when you once again start believing in yourself, and surely the act of  loving yourself should closely follow. It’s as magical as that. Right?!

In our ‘rich’ and ‘overindulgent’ society, we are saturated with what we think is all we want, jobs, attention, power and wealth, leaving no room whatsoever for a ‘God person’ to be a part of our lives. He becomes disposable, up until the moment that a crisis hits our lives.

It is not exceptional that inhabitants of Third World Countries suffering from poverty, natural disasters and all sorts of other problems, house whole ‘herds’ of people who go to church, and pray to God. These are people in continuous crisis situations, looking for answers, for comfort and maybe even for acceptance and help from others through Him. Desperately believing in His omnipotent power.

So to get back to my quest of self love, should we love ourselves with the same aptitude God has to love us, or is it ok to just let Him do all the caring, in return for our best behaviour as human beings?!

I catch myself being thankful to God, in my moments of great need, yet ‘forgetting’ to thank him, when all is ‘seemingly’ going right. A trait I do not specifically like about myself, for it is in times of no need that we should be most thankful and not the other way around, for God’s sake !!!

As you may have noticed by now, and have kindly neglected to mention to me, I seem to be strolling the same circles over and over again, just different versions of it. To my surprise, someone had the courage to open up with her story and with that, plant a thought in my head, that confronted me with what may really be the issue, yet so incredibly hard to face. Something, I may not quite know how to deal with or improve, just yet. Something, I have been told many a time. Something I kept pushing into the ‘no way’ corner, only to keep beating around the same bush repeatedly. Something, that I know a lot of us forget about because it’s so easy to take for granted….

I have desperately ached to be loved again, not by my kids or friends, because they have loved me plenty, but by a man, so that I could feel ‘worthwhile’ again, to prove to myself that I am still loveable and a good person. I have kept looking for those things in what I received, and to be honest for a long time the men in my life have not helped to give me any sense of self value at all, and I have kept sinking a little deeper each time, not noticing, not understanding why. One day, out of knowhere I happened to be the best thing in the world to a new man in my life, I was thrilled, happy that I was still worth something to someone and that feeling is like a drug. I feel I’m on an all-time high. Ecstatic that I mean something still, not just ‘something’ but ‘so much of everything’ to that person. Rejoicing that someone is now willing and able to stand by me, through all of life’s rains and sunshines.

But what happens when the rose coloured cloud slowly starts fading away, and that which is in escence still the issue you have been secretly battling, starts seeping through again, because remember;  ‘you’re still stuck on that roundabout, until you’ve learned your lesson and get to go to the next level’, however much someone else may think of you….at any given time.

We call these levels, phases, phases of life, because each time we learn we move on to the next phase, and if we’re very  lucky and willing, we reach a state of contentment by the time our time on earth is done. Something  I’m sure is not easy and maybe not always possible or even achievable. To those of us who don’t worry too much and don’t think too deep, this is not an issue at all. Those people lead less complicated lives, and who knows maybe even more happy ones. But to me, an emotional-over-thinker, this leads to inner torture at times, for I keep yearning to reach that next level, to learn, to take in, and to explore the why’s.

And so, when my good friend opened up to me, with her story, something in me made a mental click. I have been looking for the love I need in all the wrong places…..it is not in the local bar, or at social events, it’s not at the sports activities or even hidden in an unexpected encounter….it is not even in the man that thinks the world of me. It’s been here all along….inside of ME, yet unreachable to me, because you see, if you don’t love yourself, then any love you get will not properly reach you anyway!!  It will only fill in all the blanks you have, the things you lack, the doubts you feel, and all this, only for a little while, for the soul has a way of stating the obvious and reminding you that the heart is lost and lonely if you choose to neglect it.

 Of course this seems so easy a task, but let me tell you, that there is no more difficult a task than this one, for someone who has so many insecurities and little self belief. Suddenly the façade of our own image is unveiled, the truth of how we think so little of ourselves. So much so little, that we were prepared to take anything to just believe that little tiny bit, that maybe, just maybe, we were still worth something, to someone.  

A light has been ignited within me protruding it’s bright rays of truth, and clarity. Pointing this most obvious fact out to me. It will be the beginning of a new awakening. For now however, I must slowly let this sink in, and like all in life changes, should be made slowly, not in haste, for that is when we stay stuck. Hopefully learning from the ‘mistakes’ we may have made along the way, but trying not to make the same ones over and over again.

To me the realisation that there are others out there going through the same hurdles some ahead of me, and some behind me, helps. It soothes, comforts, and above all gives me strength to carry on this quest, to believe, trust and love the one person that I can….myself !!!

Having said all that…..how the heck does one go about that ?!