When insecurity peeps in


as I read so many wonderful things…

I don’t particularly like this feeling that is peeping in from time to time. I keep telling it that there’s no point in comparing and that we all have wonderful things to write about. 

As do I…..

But call it ‘my inner critic’, or ‘impostor syndrome’, or just plain old ‘insecurity’… reading the wonderful things that other people write not only makes me very happy, but it also – on some level – makes me feel ‘not good enough’. 

And for feeling this, I feel the need to apologize, because no one here has done me any harm. It’s an endless struggle in my own mind.

It’s a part of me that I’m in therapy for – I’m working on it. 

It’s a part of me that I don’t like very much, because it doesn’t treat me gently or kindly like it would another struggling soul. It just reminds me, time and time again, of what I can’t do, or what I’m no use at, or not good enough for…

This insecurity has moved in permanently during midlife… I find this to be strange, because there’s also an opposite feeling roaming around in me at this age that seems to care less. Bizar how two so opposite emotions can reign within me simultaneously.

Is this the Yin and Yang of life? 

The other day I noticed that my Instagram account had lost a few followers and I took it personally. I saw it as a sign that my writing is not good enough, my posts maybe even irritating. That it’s not worth the follow. That I’m not worth it. 

This of course is (probably) not true (I tell myself), as I’ve learnt from common sense and countless hours of therapy. A therapy that has also helped me understand that having had emotionally unavailable parents left a (huge) mark and sensitized me to many things in life, including this.

This is not the part of my life that I can easily talk about, there is still a lot of shame and pain in sharing these stories that are at the root of feeling unworthy. They pose questions like:

‘What will others think of me?’ 

‘Will my story even matter?’ 

‘How petty will sharing this make me sound?’

‘Who would want to read something like this instead of something happy and uplifting?’

‘I just don’t have what it takes, who am I kidding?’

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