Author: Mies

One of my all time favourite movies has a magnificent quote :

” I think your heart grows back bigger, you know? Once you get the shit beat out of you. And uhm, the universe lets your heart expand that way, and I think that’s the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place, and that’s how I see it anyway”
(Must Love Dogs)

I have loved this quote from the very first time I heard it. But today, it finally made perfect sense to me !

My very best friends decided to organise a ‘surprise’ – 40th – birthday party for me. Inviting some of my closest friends only, because;…they jokingly complained,
‘I apparently have too many friends….’

To be honest I felt desperation and guilt but something clicked into place whilst I cried tears of overwhelming self issues over this and gratefulness took over.

All this time, I thought that life was about that ONE love, that very special person that is supposed to come into our lives and sweep us off our feet. The knight in shining armour. The one that makes it all worthwhile. The true love of your life. How wrong I was…how terribly wrong I was….

You see, I had not wanted to celebrate this upcoming birthday. Because, well;
I felt sad and ashamed that at 40 I have not yet achieved that much in my life;
I felt single and a failure for it;
I felt shame towards my children who have seen me cry on numerous occasions out of utter desperation and struggling with my life’s challenges;
I felt a great need for independence since nothing I have is actually mine;
I felt my best was never quite good enough;
I felt stupid and guilty for feeling all of the above in the first place;…and last but not least just because forty sounds so damned old and grey hairs and wrinkles are invading what used to be ‘me’…!!

How ungrateful and wrong I was !!!

Life is not about a summary of what you feel you haven’t done or feeling sorry for yourself and it’s also not about ONE love at all. It is about all the things you did from the heart and about GREAT love, it has nothing to do with superficial achievements, money or status.

Great love is when your heart fills with joy because you realise that you have kids that you are utterly proud of, because they are turning into fantastic, compassionate and good human beings.
Great love is when you can be there for someone exactly at the right moment.
Great love is when you’ve had someone to lean on time after time, without fault.
Great love is knowing that those you care about so much care just as much about you.
And among all the many many other Great loves is;
the Great love of your friends when they team up together  and even though you yourself don’t feel you deserve it, they still find you worthy of a surprise 40th birthday bash !!

Today I was reminded of this, life isn’t always rosy, and we all have our shit to deal with – to each their own. But it is as great as we make it within us. It is all as good as we accept it to be.

And so, to go back to the wonderful quote, I think that my heart has grown back – bigger, and bigger each and every time after every ache and pain. And I am now in a much better place !

It’s time to enjoy the moments and share some of the love that has been put in there by all these great loves, so that this fantastic heart warming friendship is passed along to others.

I guess forty means ‘over the hill’ in the sense that the climb may be over and it’s now time to slowly stroll down hill whilst enjoying the magnificent views of this ‘better place’ that holds a wonderful inner sense of serenity.

BUT if it’s not, then it’s time to just roll off that hill and enjoy the ride, for God’s sake!!

How lucky I am to have reached forty with such Great loves !! THANK YOU X

The end of a year always encourages us to look back and reflect on all that happened over the past twelve months.

I am probably the LAST person who should give relationship advice, so I won’t, but inspired by a column I recently read and a few friends who seem to be struggling to rekindle the ‘flame of love’, I feel it may be time to share a few of my thoughts on this.

Being single, makes me over-romanticise relationships apparently….I tend to forget the ins & outs and ups & downs of married life, I fantasise that being with a partner is all romance and bliss.
As it turns out, it’s not…most of the time.

The other day a friend of mine told me about her husband who goes to bed early every single night except when he’s out with ‘the boys’, hasn’t kissed her properly in over a year, and sexually only makes time for a ‘quicky’ now and again. It sounded terrible until another friend told me that she too had hardly any physical contact with her partner after being together for about 5 years now. She watches TV upstairs while her husband watches it downstairs, he farts and burps whenever the need arises and she sometimes doesn’t do his laundry to punish him when they argue. Once I started asking around, it seemed everyone had some things they wished they could change to improve communication and love within their relationship, but felt alone in this as trying to tell their partners about it frequently backfired or turned into a minor (tug-of) war. I could not believe my ears.. why is it that two people who start off ecstatic about each other, come to a point of near neglect? What happens that makes us forget or take the other for granted ? And why do some couples manage to keep the magic, whilst others don’t?

I know it may sound very simplistic, but standing on the outside, looking in, I sometimes wish people would see how minor details can make huge changes. We keep on placing expectations on the other person, as to what the other should/could do to make our life (together) better. We get irritated by what we expect the other person to do or say, even though we don’t give them a single clue as to what would actually help.

A relationship is not the ‘be all and end all’ in life of course, and some are just not meant to last. However, I must admit (even though I am a ‘happy single’) that sharing your life with someone is unique. Sharing feelings of affection and mutual respect as well as certain passions, children, goals and aspirations can make for a wonderful relationship.

This is what I think….stop expecting!! Say what you want, what you wish and what makes you happy. Keep it realistic and realise at the same time that you are not alone in the relationship, the other person has needs and feelings too. I think that starting off with small acts of kindness; a smile, a friendly touch or even a cuddle again, could slowly open up the way back into your partners heart. The love is there surely you’ve just lost touch of it.
I know men and women think and act differently, and sometimes best intentions get lost in translation, but try to remember those very first moments when you fell in love and wished you could spend each and every moment of each and every day together….if you can find a fraction of that feeling back again, it will help you see your partner with more loving eyes. (This goes for both partners by the way, no use one person getting all ‘lovey dovey’ whilst the other sits next to you remaining an ‘old fart’!! – Having said that, I think change may even be possible when only one person kicks off the new mojo, as the other will surely follow).

It’s not about expecting.
It’s about giving….and once you start giving, for some magical reason you receive in return.

So now that Christmas is coming up, a stressy, but lovely time of year, where family, friends and especially love come first. Make an effort !! …Convince yourself you’re once again blissfully in love with your spouse and feel the warmth it may create within you. The power of the mind is huge and the heart is a very eager companion.Wrap a lotta-love around your partner, kiss beneath the mistletoe again and hold hands whilst you take an evening stroll in the snow…. remember…love grows when you let it unfold.
 

Merry Christmas !