This old blog has been seducing me for a while now. It feels like I’m stepping back into my head and heart by returning to this place. I guess that means I might have taken a long enough stroll to the outside world looking to find different aspects of myself as well as my purpose in life.
I haven’t quite succeeded in either of those endeavors but I do feel I’ve gotten closer than I’ve ever been before. I guess that’s the most we can hope for as each step leads to the next and every experience offers us growth if we allow it.
I miss the times when I used to share my thoughts and adventures with others through my writing. I felt connected to so many of you, if only by the string of words that I wrote and you read.
My blog fell to the background these past few years, not because I didn’t have the opportunity to write, but because I felt there was nothing left to say on a personal level. As if my inner being had dried up, expired and sold out. As I write it down it seems odd to think that at a time when I was actually most productive (or so I thought) my writer’s soul quietly took a seat in the corner, patiently waiting for a new chapter to start.
And a new chapter it is! It may not be filled with exciting new plans, hot dates left and right or even an actual idea of what lies ahead, but I feel – now more than ever – thrilled to enjoy this moment.
The past few years were packed full of action and creativity. I co-wrote two books that were not only published but sold more copies than ever expected. I created my own online platform: Mies; a place where people in divorce situations can find solid advice and read other people’s experiences to find relief and recognition. I co-created another online platform: de Wereldwijven – for and by Dutch women all over the world to connect and share their stories to inspire others across the globe. And I translated so much interesting content that I feel I was schooled all over again.
Two of my children (the girls – who are now actual adults) have gone off to college and my son inhabits the ‘west wing’ of our house whilst I enjoy living in the girly pink side of our home. We get together for dinner talks and laundry quarrels. My parents have moved closer by and my dad was lucky enough to receive a donor kidney at the age of 75. He’s healthy and fit, but to quote his own dry sense of humor: the new kidney will probably outlive him. I keep insisting it will give him another 75 years, or so.
There has not been another great love in my life since I last blogged and I think that I’ve kept busy if only not to notice it missing. Life has a way of offering that what you need, when you need it and not when you don’t. My heart took a long break to heal and I can only hope that it grew back a bit more resilient this time.
This year has been a true eyeopener for me, in many ways. It has brought me patience, self-reflection, rest, calm and an even bigger sense of gratitude. It has brought us together as a family and taught us that we don’t have to like each other every day to know that we love each other always.
For the very first time I planted a seed and watched it grow. Radishes, tomatoes, onions, lettuce, raspberries, blueberries, fresh herbs, zucchini, cauliflower, broccoli, parsnips, you name it – I reaped it! I never realized what it would feel like to be a part of nature’s natural cycle of life, from beginning to end. All of a sudden life made sense. It made me more appreciative, of the taste, the smell and even the effort it took for a seed to become the food we ate.
Joy is the seed that grew within me this year. After years of rushing about, stressing out, trying hard not to fail, fearing the future, not knowing if the road I was on was the right one, I was hit by the pauze button. But like a long high-speed train, it took a little while for it all to come to a complete standstill, it screeched and bolted for some time before there was an absolute silence. It was this silence that stated the obvious: I needed to make some changes that were long overdue. How is it that you can be so stuck in something that you don’t see the signs? Or maybe I purposely ignored them to avoid the disappointment of yet another possible let down? And how right my gut feeling was to know that some things in life are what they are.
Suddenly there is time to ponder again. To imagine a different life, a new road with brighter horizons. That’s where I’m at. I’m taking it in, breathing it through and making it mine to explore. This new leap of faith with no definite destination or direction is bound to go somewhere. All that is clear is that it comes from within and it’s on its way out. Let’s see where it goes….