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It has been nearly six months since I was in what I would like to call – a serious relationship, but one that in retrospect, I never took seriously enough until it was too late. The cliche is true : you don’t know what you have, until it’s gone.

So now what ?!
Do I really want another man in my life ?!
The ‘exploring’ each other again…
The ‘explaining’ my personal manual again ?!  (It’s now officially thicker than the bible !!)
My whys and why not’s, my fears and insecurities thrown out in the open – AGAIN ?!
I don’t think so, not now and not for a long time to come I suspect.

It’s like when I read a good book, I couldn’t for the life of me get into the next one straight away, I need to let it sink in, process and settle. It needs time, time to find a place in the heart and mind.

A few years ago though, I didn’t do that, I jumped from one ‘book’ into the next, if you know what I mean. Most weren’t even ‘books’ or ‘articles’, but just enticing ‘headings’, that lead to nothing and left me empty. No fulfilment, no meaning, desperately craving for more as I was obviously not finding whatever I was looking for. It only dawned on me, after I spent one and a half years pegging away at a story that felt too good to be true, that what I wanted was staring me straight in the face, yet it took me forever to get into the storyline. Then, just when it all started making sense to me, I actually lost the plot, the ending began to unravel as I realised that I was in my own little fairytale, and prince charming had galloped by – tried his best….yet left disheartened… because I was too busy worrying about the pitfalls that could tear us apart. In the end, I had created them myself.  A wonderful story turned sour, by my own potion of troubled imagination and fear.

Don’t take me wrong, I love men, I love the fact that they are so opposite to us women, the way they think differently and act so much more primal than we do. They worry less and live by the day. Making life seem less complicated …easier.

I just don’t think there is room for a man in my life, not now. It’s time to sit down and literally write and re-write my own (story) book and see what new plot and which (new) characters will fill the pages !!

Life to some of us is a string of soul searching moments, finding out who we are and why we are what we are. We struggle with our inner selves, our feelings and emotions, debating whether one choice is better than the other and ‘comfort’ our friends and ourselves by saying, ‘yes,I’m fine thanks, I’m not there yet, but I’m getting there.…’

Getting WHERE?? Where are we supposed to be getting ? Is there like an end station to our thoughts and feelings ? Do we approach the day when all will be clear and solved ? Does everything fall into place at a certain point in our lives?? And if that happens, what the heck comes next ?? I mean, once we ‘get there’ right ?! THEN what ?

Nope, sorry, not working for me, this expression is just not how I see things. I don’t have an end destination, no particular place I’d like to get to, or goal that I feel that should be reached. Not because I’m not motivated or plain lazy. But because I do try to keep an open mind and spirit and am constantly searching for challenges and answers to whatever comes my way!! You can’t just define your destination on a random day and work your way to it as if it’s the dishes you’re gonna do !!  I don’t think you can call this ongoing process : – ‘the ‘I’m getting there‘ – any time now – process’. Life on that level is a whole new ball game !! You challenge yourself, awaken, open your mind and soul to thrive on all the new stuff learnt, this then helps you evolve in a certain direction, an evolution that isn’t always designed to better or worsen your old self, just BE. Because that’s what it is, we ARE what we are at certain points in life, due to circumstances and experiences, we BECOME. Every moment we become the next, and every next moment is a new person that we’ve become. Ever changing, yet constant at the core.

Of course we all make a rough draft of what our dreams and wishes are for ourselves and these are good to keep us focused and keep our instincts vivid and they are there to help us on our way along the path of life. No end point though, just millions of possibilities out there just for grabs. We pick and choose as we wish, keep the stuff we like and get rid of what we don’t…and what we pick today, will be different to what we pick tomorrow, as will what we return, and what seems useless now, may one day be (again) of greater value. There is no right or wrong in this….it’s not a test and you can’t fail. So if you can’t fail, then it seems extremely likely that you can’t ‘get there‘ either, which shows how limitless life is and how rich it’s fruits to pick. You’ll never run out of possibilities, chances or risks to take as long as you’re prepared to take them. And once you do…another universe full of options opens up to you just like that. You can always keep changing the combinations adding and subtracting, all the time experiencing the happiness of endless options and chances..

In that line of thought lies my belief and….hope that ANYTHING is possible, ALWAYS !! And so I’m not getting there, I’m on my way !!!