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I believe that in the past five years, some sort of awakening has occurred in me, as if a veil has lifted, a road has cleared, or a piece of the puzzle has fallen into place. Where once I dreamed in clouds of make belief reality, I am now awake to blue and open skies, that can also turn to shades of grey. For so long, I led a life of self inflicted numbness, only to awaken to a real and tangible life.

I remember all the tears that flowed, the bouts of panic that struck every single night as the lights faded and darkness set in. I felt complete and utter distress, fear, anger, loneliness, jealousy, happiness, thankfulness, and all of them bound together producing tears of pain and regret for all that could have been, or maybe all that should have been. Or so I thought.

It is now a while back since my then-husband announced that he had fallen out of love with me, and in love with someone else; a gorgeous 23 year old, tall, skinny and bursting with enthusiasm for life. I, on the other hand had turned into a thirty something nagging wife and mother, obsessed with the nitty gritty things in life, because I so believed that life was all about rules and regulations, the facts and figures, and all the ‘should-be’s’ ….forgetting about actual enjoyment, spontaneity and jest. I was more willing to live an unhappy life with him, than believing I may stand a chance at a happy life without him.

It was as if I had only certain ‘fixed moments’ of ‘forced’ pleasures; time together or dinners with friends were supposed to be good and happy occasions and therefore I forced and expected myself to enjoy them, but to be honest I never savoured them, either on my plate or that what life was offering me in so many other ways, I had simply forgotten. Forgotten how…and mainly why it was important to do so.

And when you live like that, the price you end up paying is sky high. You find you lose yourself, everything about you, and sometimes (like in my case) even those that love you.. That’s exactly what I let happen. I let ‘me’ disappear into thin air. I became see through, without any substance of character; lost in the ruins of me. Until the shock of abandonment jolted me out.

It is taking forever to put back the pieces of my puzzle …recovering all that was lost, and trying to undo the silly revival mistakes I made; but like a vase that breaks, some pieces are irreplaceable and you find you have to look for new parts to rebuild. This process is not an easy one, and one I would not like to go through again, yet I am extremely thankful it happened and confident I will flourish.

The strange thing is, no matter how hard you try to succeed at this, there is always room for improvement. We never reach perfection, all we must aim for is inner peace and I have to admit, I just can’t seem to find it so often. The head keeps over thinking, the heart wants to be loved, but dares not, and this cycle is one I cannot stop or escape from.

What I have realised is that all was not in vein…. I really believe that we have been put here with a certain plan, we choose the lessons we want to learn and the people or souls to learn it from, each of us with a certain task to accomplish. Some of us braver than others because we have to play the ‘bad guy’ in order for others to learn. If my marriage had not ended the way it did, I would not have taken responsibility for my own life, a difficult task, when you’ve leaned on someone for so very long and expected them to carry you. So however weird it may seem, I’m grateful for the difficult choice my then-husband made, as I’m sure the pain involved was plenty on his side too, and even though it looked like he was home-free from the outside, it must have taken all the courage he had left on the inside. I’m not sure he will ever know the true impact it had on me, as he gave me a very valuable gift, the quest to find  myself, while he left the stage.

It is only now after 5 years that I find myself looking for my own purpose and significance, to others, to friends, family, my children, but especially to myself.

Thank you, for the purest of lessons…. ‘the meaning of me’.

A year ago I joined the Facebook community. I had been there years before, but deactivated my account as I found it too confrontational and painful. It was there that I first saw my ex glancing at his new girlfriend with melty love stricken eyes, partying on (profile) pictures, whilst I was home with 3 kids. Not a good thing when you’re still heartbroken and trying to heal. So after several bolts of self inflicted pain, I deleted my profile and swore it was not my thing. (Please don’t worry as I am no longer affected by such scenes or pictures, somehow you become immune at some point.) 

Admittedly my curious nature brought me back a few years later and in February 2010, I thought, ‘If you can’t beat them, join them’, and so I did. I spent hours, days even, trying to figure everything out, wanting to know all the in’s and outs to be well informed about privacy issues this time. Made my profile page, added friends, and pictures and within a few weeks I had settled comfortably into what has now become my second ‘home’.

It’s the ideal spot to dwell if you don’t want to feel lonely, as there’s always someone around to chat or comment on. It’s like this hot spot where everyone checks in, to browse around and can audaciously be nosy. It absolutely suits my personality. I’ve become extremely fanatic about posting, love to share music, sentiments, blogs and other stuff, much to some people’s dismay I’m sure, but facebook has a built in button for that too, as it’s a piece of cake to remove friends or friends’ posts, just press ‘unfriend’ or ‘hide posts’ and you’re instantly liberated from ‘spammers’ like myself.

I haven’t ventured into the world of facebook games yet I must admit, as that may stop me from having a life outside of facebook altogether. Plenty of time left to explore those horizons in the future.

For now I’ve made myself a comfortable dwelling with a fanpage to promote my blogs and notify my readers of the latest Living la Vida Loca updates. I’ve made loads of old, new and even ‘unknown’ friends, and the strange thing is that even though this all takes place in cyberspace, people let you in deeper than they would ever do in real life…I love that, thrive on it and feel inspired by each and every one’s posts, pictures, stories and comments. It’s like having an extended family…always there, to support and encourage.

Having said all that, I can also imagine it being tough on the insecure souls, as comments can easily be misread and things have a way of leading their own life. Relationship statuses change like the weather and posted (profile) pictures give the impression everyone else is always happy. When my eldest decided it was also time for her to join facebook, I must admit I hesitated. Afraid of how she would cope with the stress of it all, but so far so good.

So now after numerous chats filled with emoticons to accentuate the tone of conversation, I have to admit that I enjoy the company of other cybersouls.

Today, April fool’s provided the perfect opportunity for a good practical joke and so I posted some great news about my blog being published by a well known magazine, on my status. Only to find that so many friends were genuinely happy for me that it made me feel a bit guilty and kind of like I was letting them down by kidding about it, and so I was drawn to my online writing pad, to once again provide them with a blog to sink into, whilst I drown myself in thought.

Not quite sure how other people feel about death, but to me I think the fear of it is paralyzing at times, I freeze, gasp for breath and instantaneously feel my heart go into tachycardia. Lately I’ve been hearing horrid stories left and right, it seems everyone around me has something or other, or a friend with something or other and the chances of survival vary from huge to very slim.

Now according to statistics, the way to lead a healthy life, is plenty of exercise and nutritious food. This will decrease the risk of illnesses. I do not consider myself to lead the healthiest of lives…then again, most of the people I see affected seem to be the healthiest ones around; thin, athletic, healthy eaters, sporty etc. It leaves me with great fear, for; ‘if they get ill, then I surely will … (should)’…

No one knows when it’s their day to ‘depart’, but somehow I feel more comfortable not thinking about it either. Head in the sand therapy. What you don’t know won’t harm you so to speak.

Today once again I received bad news, this time a young person with cancer, her chances…next to none. When you’re young it tends to hit you harder, more aggressive and ruthlessly takes over leaving you without a fighting chance. Medicine will try it’s hardest to beat it, but too often, in these cases, we find that it only extends the suffering. Still, those going through it seem to help those of us that will be left behind here, by showing their bravery and strength, each and everyone of them with a glow of supernatural light in their eyes. A spiritual strength that occurs only when the body is weakened. This phenomenon amazes me.

Often I have wondered what it would do to me, to find out I was (terminally) ill. The thought alone, creates panic and fear. Maybe I’m not sure if I would find that strength within me or maybe I’m afraid of the pain it may cause others, like my children. A combined feeling of ‘what if I never see them grow up’ and ‘if I die now, they’re too young to remember me’. A frightening thought either way.

I guess the trick is to find the fine line…where you look after your body as well as you can, and are sensible enough to go through regular check ups, without exaggeratedly worrying about them. And even when you do all this, there seems to be a ‘script’ already written, for sometimes, so very unforeseen to us, we find ourselves or someone else entering the turmoil of, for example cancer, without a single shield of protection or warning.

And then when push comes to shove, it turns out that however cliche, death is a part of life, and no one has yet managed to play hooky.
 It’s time for me to learn how to deal with this, if not for the sake of myself, for the sake of others, who I will help more by fearing less and mentally I will be able to handle it better if I don’t let it affect me to the bone. Until it’s my turn…and I pray that if and when that day comes, I too find that strength to pull me through, whatever the outcome.

So live today, like there is no tomorrow, and with that note, I’d like to end this blog of thought and dedicate it to all my friends and friends of friends, who today, tomorrow and in days to come will have to do just that. Be brave.