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One fine day out of nowhere and without a single warning….you meet a lovely and decent guy. As in fairytales, out of the blue, unexpected and so exciting !! A first encounter is soon planned, no time to change your mind, this time a restaurant setting in the middle of the countryside, for lunch on a sunny day. Nerves travel up and down your body, heart seems to skip some essential beats, leaving you breathless at times. Face flushed with a sweet pink blush, like the ones little kids get after an exciting ride at the fair. And off you go, to meet…

You take a look, recognise your date and feel a sigh of relief, that this time, it is truly the guy in the picture. A kiss on the cheek to greet each other and then you place yourself opposite to him at the table, feeling so excited and relieved that that first moment has just passed. Within minutes wine is ordered and gulped down, to relieve the tension and the everlasting nerves…. it thankfully helps.

For once the conversation is smooth and oh so alike, recognizable experiences and lifes’ stories….you both have children, both have ex ‘s, both have so much to offer, yet with such caution. You hardly manage to nibble on the delicious food that is served with great care and a wink from the waiter as he sees you’re on what seems to be an actual date !

Conversation is great, time flies, and then you realise you had so much fun, with a person who is practically a perfect stranger to you. After a goodbye peck on the cheek, you each return to your own lives, and ponder all that was said and told. Finding that the other person keeps entering your mind at intervals, and you wonder how it could all have such a great effect on you, that sudden meeting with a perfect stranger…

Opportunity presents itself and date two is made, a movie….now this is a challenge for there is no room for talk, just silent sitting and staring, with an occasional laugh or tear….again it feels comfortable and familiar. Way past midnight you once again receive a kiss on the cheek with the promise of keeping in touch. (Now where have we heard that before…) You leave and wonder whether this time this guy will follow through, whether it is possible to trust again, believe again. As human as we are, we do, we not only believe but we have hope and cherish the promise made.

Happy amazement when a day and a half later a picture arrives in your email inbox. He is out there having fun, yet thought of you…and wanted you to be a part of it..sharing it and caring enough to know you’ll appreciate it..!!
After building up the excitement for a few days, another date is planned, carefully, and in secret. The genteman that he is he arrives exactly on time, smelling fresh and clean, and looking oh so good. Nerves seem to melt as soon as he walks in the door, champagne bubbles and strawberries form the decor to a lovely evening sharing lifes’ tales and sorrows. A bond seems to be forming magically, a sense of wonder fills your soul and curiosity makes you want to know more and more about this man. Time flies, stories told, experiences shared…..

Then at midnight the fairytale slowly comes to an end as you realise that you both have to get up early the next day, so after some lingering…..it’s time to say your goodbye’s… so sweet and so innocent, a perfect gentleman still, and you find yourself longing for that first kiss, that tingle and suspense….
And there… like in the movies, just before he leaves, he kisses you, leaving you breathless and flushed and longing for more….

The very next evening is date number four….is it possible to have found that first Knight ?!! 🙂
(Or is this once again a set up for one of lifes’ great lessons ?!)

At times I sit an wonder whether this world has come to an opened up Pandora’s box. The lying, cheating, back stabbing and rotten ways in which we seem to treat each other these days is attrocious. If it weren’t for some solid and faithful friendships, I think I would have long declared my time on Earth enough.
The facades, the masks, the pain inflicted without a single care, are too many to mention, too many to examine, too many to handle.

It leaves a simple soul wondering if anything at all is real, honourable and trustworthy.

No, I am not suffering from a depression, but feel that in some ways our society is. We seem infatuated with ourselves and our every craving….

But what about the real shit, the real pain, the real suffering; …hunger, starvation, poverty, epidemics, child labour, cancer, aids, natural disasters, death.

Why is it we seem to worry about what car to drive, what house to own, what important position to have, yet always finding ourselves being exceeded by the next ‘guy’, because once you start that cycle, you are never a winner, always ‘just’ under…

A few years ago, our middle daughter was taken to hospital for what seemed a ‘normal’ pneumonia. The X-rays showed that a part of her lung had collapsed, medicines were given, treatment started, tests done, and at a certain point she was referred to a more specialised hospital in the country, where she had even more tubes stuffed down her throat, and more exams to determine the exact cause….assuming the worst, it was blissful when nothing was found truly wrong with her, except for a juvenile lack of certain immune system values. What a relief, but whilst she and I spent the night there, I saw children, bald ….pale…sick. Their eyes, with a dull despair, yet full of determination and bravery. Parents, sitting there, with them, day in, day out… their patience being tested, but with enough courage and strength for all involved. The horrible night scenes of pain and desperation, as the effects of the medicines kicked in…

I left there humbled.

Amazed that when I got back, people were discussing ‘fashion’ and ‘cars’, everyday chit chat, the type I had often had as well, but this time it was different, it no longer seemed important, it no longer seemed necessary, but simply pointless and shallow.
It took a while, but as it happens, life fell back into place, and relieved that our daughter was declared ‘unexplainably healthy’ …old patterns returned.

Another disaster moment, hit. Separation. The world turned upside down and a rollercoaster ride of emotions set it’s course. Again, so much seemed so uninportant, so much seemed shoal. Yet once again life found it’s way back to me.

Friends going through horrid stories of their own, struggling, drowning, lost and confused, with the same fears and the same emotions, nothing anyone can do for them, but hope and pray they find their way.

I sit here longing for some good old fashioned ‘caring’, in this totally insane and fast lane life. Hoping people will open their eyes and heart to others, and stop being so acceptive of all the moraly unjust and undone !! No harm in daring to say what you feel, and feel what you say.  Straight forward, and honest principal truths.

So…out of pure curiosity and a reminder that my subscription was coming to an end, I once again dared to take a look at the ‘online available men catalogue’. Within a few minutes the first message bleeped in my inbox. It was short and to the point. ‘I like your picture, if you want more, write back to me’…now there’s a real charmer !! 😉

After a little while a second message entered my inbox, this time it was longer and more flattering, and seeing that the picture looked ok by my standards, I replied. I was soon asked to meet up on MSN. Now you have to know that in the dating world as I know it, being asked to chat on MSN is not always a good thing, so I was reasonably prepared…. About 4 minutes into the light conversation…the topic ‘sex’ popped up,  on my screen… all my courage sank and within seconds I had deleted, blocked and gotten rid of this attention seeking individual.

It seems easy enough, except you end up feeling ‘used’ and ‘abused’. I had decided not to let that happen again, yet there, within seconds it just ‘sneaked in’.
It made me re-think the whole dating scene all over again. And without wanting to sound bitter or negative, it just seems to me, that there are no ‘honourable’ available men out there right now, for some odd reason.

It has left me a little discouraged and disappointed to say the least, yet if I’m very honest, I have no idea how a man would fit into my life, OUR life, anyway…!! I like having the freedom to decide what to do, when and with whom. No TV-channel arguments, shoes to trip over, underwear in the ‘lost and found’ corner of the bathroom and no snoring in bed (except my own occasional snore..;-)).

Yet I find myself sending a ‘message’ to a much younger friendly looking man. He responds kindly and even seems keen to meet. Still young enough to ‘block’ the thought of me having 3 kids out of his mind for now and sensible enough to wait and see if there is even a ‘click’ between us. He keeps up a cheerful and amusing email conversation with me for a few days and then drags his MSN out of the ‘dustbin’ to engage in quicker chit chat. He is too kind, too soft and too willing once again. So interest is lost from my side. Unbelievable.
How is it possible that we seem programmed to mainly want what we can’t have ?!

So I let the contact die out once again….this time it’s a good and sensible decision. He’s too young, and deserves a life and litter of his own !

The quest however does not continue…. it’s TIME OUT, time to enjoy a wonderful summer with the kids. I feel relieved, free and I look forward to this new fase I’m entering….

“Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them.” – Sex and the City