Miss Insecurity

As you may have noticed by now, and have kindly neglected to mention to me, I seem to be strolling the same circles over and over again, just different versions of it. To my surprise, someone had the courage to open up with her story and with that, plant a thought in my head, that confronted me with what may really be the issue, yet so incredibly hard to face. Something, I may not quite know how to deal with or improve, just yet. Something, I have been told many a time. Something I kept pushing into the ‘no way’ corner, only to keep beating around the same bush repeatedly. Something, that I know a lot of us forget about because it’s so easy to take for granted….

I have desperately ached to be loved again, not by my kids or friends, because they have loved me plenty, but by a man, so that I could feel ‘worthwhile’ again, to prove to myself that I am still loveable and a good person. I have kept looking for those things in what I received, and to be honest for a long time the men in my life have not helped to give me any sense of self value at all, and I have kept sinking a little deeper each time, not noticing, not understanding why. One day, out of knowhere I happened to be the best thing in the world to a new man in my life, I was thrilled, happy that I was still worth something to someone and that feeling is like a drug. I feel I’m on an all-time high. Ecstatic that I mean something still, not just ‘something’ but ‘so much of everything’ to that person. Rejoicing that someone is now willing and able to stand by me, through all of life’s rains and sunshines.

But what happens when the rose coloured cloud slowly starts fading away, and that which is in escence still the issue you have been secretly battling, starts seeping through again, because remember;  ‘you’re still stuck on that roundabout, until you’ve learned your lesson and get to go to the next level’, however much someone else may think of you….at any given time.

We call these levels, phases, phases of life, because each time we learn we move on to the next phase, and if we’re very  lucky and willing, we reach a state of contentment by the time our time on earth is done. Something  I’m sure is not easy and maybe not always possible or even achievable. To those of us who don’t worry too much and don’t think too deep, this is not an issue at all. Those people lead less complicated lives, and who knows maybe even more happy ones. But to me, an emotional-over-thinker, this leads to inner torture at times, for I keep yearning to reach that next level, to learn, to take in, and to explore the why’s.

And so, when my good friend opened up to me, with her story, something in me made a mental click. I have been looking for the love I need in all the wrong places…..it is not in the local bar, or at social events, it’s not at the sports activities or even hidden in an unexpected encounter….it is not even in the man that thinks the world of me. It’s been here all along….inside of ME, yet unreachable to me, because you see, if you don’t love yourself, then any love you get will not properly reach you anyway!!  It will only fill in all the blanks you have, the things you lack, the doubts you feel, and all this, only for a little while, for the soul has a way of stating the obvious and reminding you that the heart is lost and lonely if you choose to neglect it.

 Of course this seems so easy a task, but let me tell you, that there is no more difficult a task than this one, for someone who has so many insecurities and little self belief. Suddenly the façade of our own image is unveiled, the truth of how we think so little of ourselves. So much so little, that we were prepared to take anything to just believe that little tiny bit, that maybe, just maybe, we were still worth something, to someone.  

A light has been ignited within me protruding it’s bright rays of truth, and clarity. Pointing this most obvious fact out to me. It will be the beginning of a new awakening. For now however, I must slowly let this sink in, and like all in life changes, should be made slowly, not in haste, for that is when we stay stuck. Hopefully learning from the ‘mistakes’ we may have made along the way, but trying not to make the same ones over and over again.

To me the realisation that there are others out there going through the same hurdles some ahead of me, and some behind me, helps. It soothes, comforts, and above all gives me strength to carry on this quest, to believe, trust and love the one person that I can….myself !!!

Having said all that…..how the heck does one go about that ?!