Author: Mies

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A Thank You Note

In total disbelief that perfect isn’t perfect when you’re not feeling it….I find myself grateful for the love that came my way, yet I couldn’t reciprocate it. However hard I wanted to and tried, something was missing. Not sure what and why though, and very convinced that it wasn’t in what I received but in what I couldn’t give.

Wondering if all the love I had has just run out….or whether I will never be able to love as much and therefore always feel the lack of it. Maybe misinterpreting what’s left, for there not being enough.

It seems unfair to only take and not give, to receive and not offer. When you get something in abundance, at first it seems enough to carry all, but once the daylight hours hit, the rays of sun point out the cracks. Not wanting to face those we stuff them with good intentions and pretty promises, but the brightness of the truth still has a way of peeping through the holes. Always bringing to light the things we do not want to see.

Feeling a majestic sense of loss, I choose to travel my path alone again. In the knowledge that I will do fine, but missing the warmth and comfort of that person walking right beside me every step of the way, bearing in mind that we should never walk together just because we are afraid to walk alone. Having said that, I feel that in my case I may be so afraid of walking together again that the path alone seems easier, less complicated and more comfortable. Sad but true.

With a sense of great appreciation and gratitude for what unexpectedly came my way, and struggling to find my bearings once again, I continue this path utterly thankful for the unconditional bliss that I was blessed with.
Scared to death that by saying goodbye for all the right reasons, I may never find what I was so generously given, ever again.

But like all in life, we live and we learn, only if we dig do we get deeper, and only if we think do we figure things out, nothing ever came of any dreamer who didn’t live it out.* So considering this in mind and heart, I set a course once again on  this journey of unbelievable wonders.

*Alain Clark

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Long-ly-ness

It’s been a while but all of a sudden I remembered that when you’re in a relationship for a long time, and by long time I mean more than a few years or so. Some things change. The spark isn’t quite the spark it used to be, even though the level of mutual comfort has grown tremendously. You no longer feel the need to look or act your best, assuming that your partner knows you by now, and accepts your preference for walking around in your sweat pants (the word sounds sloppy and smelly, yet we don’t seem bothered by the connotation).

The funny thing about being together for so long is that arousement occurs at the most awkward times. I’m sure many women will agree that the moment they start cooking and stirring in the pots and pans, their hubby will feel the irresistible need to grope her. Now this is exactly the time you shouldn’t try to get attention from your wife, as she will most certainly push you away and tell you to keep your hands to yourself because she’s busy and by no means does she see herself going into a full blown sexual frenzy.

The other side of this coin however is that hubby will feel utterly rejected at his most ‘vulnerable’ moment, you see, often men express themselves easier by touch than by talk. If you dismiss his attempts often enough, something happens; his ego and love for you slowly start to break down.

Another longevity oddity, is that there is never quite the right time to make love anymore, it’s usually left for the evenings when both partners find themselves exhausted in front of the TV playing couch potato. Often one of them retires to bed before the other making it slightly impossible to sleep together…in the full sense of the word. So the sexual act is left for Sunday mornings, and all of a sudden the one thing you could never get enough of has become a once-a-week-activity or in some cases even a weekly chore, if practiced at all. No one seems to blame but the lack of time and energy. It is a shame we ‘forget’ how good it feels to get some affection and how energizing it can be, let alone how little time actually matters when you’re having fun.

The thing is ….the less you’re intimate with your partner, the more you lose that crucial intimacy, and the bigger the ‘I-may-fall-in-love-with-someone-else’ gap grows. Only to result in painful struggles and separations caused by a mere taking for granted of the bond you both thought you had. Something that seems so obviously easily corrected, all of a sudden turns into the other person feeling understood, pampered, taken notice of and aknowledged, but all of this by someone else. Someone new, someone who doesn’t mind stopping the stirring for a passionate kiss or grope, because the newness of it all is so exciting and exhilarating.

By no means should this send you into a panic of quick and steamy kitchen sex in front of hungry children, but it serves to remind us all that it is in the littlest things we need to keep finding each other, and if we neglect those, we neglect each other and it’s possible we may have clustered a great problem for ourselves then, one so huge it may not untangle back into the small bits.

So treasure the quickest of moments for they may fly by and leave you with the longest of times, alone.

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Full Circle

I am officially dating a younger man !!!

Terrified that the world would be shocked but finding myself most ‘struck’ of all, I come to my blog to find some solace. Months of inner torture have preceded this act of  ‘living la vida loca’. Always struggling with what ‘I am expected to do‘ and what ‘I want to do’. Life seems to have thrown at me a huge challenge and great adventure. Yet feeling a bit wary and wondering how it may affect my children and their lives and views, and that of family and friends. Hoping no one gets hurt and trying to imagine how two such different lives will combine in real life situations. Daring to jump into the deep end, realising that if I don’t I’ll never know….and that in fact all relationships are a blind dive into unknown territory, and always carry the risk of pain or failure. But when it comes to love, you need to dare because if you don’t, it will pass right by you…..

It took one deep fall into my past pains and unfounded fears, to realize that the person who had appeared into my life, was prepared to bear through the good and the bad days, to accept me as I am, and to not only like me, but my children also. Anything and everything about me, (to him), is what makes me who I am. As unbelievable as I might find this….it is slowly but steadily becoming a reliable reality. My trust issues still haunt me, and pop up now and again and a lot of doubts still cross my mind, but it helps that they can be discussed and talked about now.

It is like learning how to walk again after years of being bedridden. Each and every new step is taken slowly, carefully and with great excitement and pride, but sometimes it is tough and exhausting and you feel you cannot bring yourself to it anymore…I now see that that is when the other person’s love and affection carries you that, so important, ‘extra mile’.

So, embarking on extremely new territory and with no clue as to where this will go, and how the world will look upon us, we bravely (well, the bravery credit must go to him, for I am nowhere near as brave) tread the waters of the unknown !!!

Like I have often said before, life brings us challenges and possibilities in the strangest of wrappings, and it is up to us to unwrap and unravel them cautiously and with a desire to explore them as best we can.

In my case years of living according to rules and regulations, have been replaced by living la vida loca it seems, but I must say that it makes me happy, aware of all the beauty life has offered and feeling as well balanced as any other person. So with this new foundation of creativity, joy and open spirit, I must admit I feel revived, alive and kickin’ !!!

A ‘cure’ I wish upon many others, for it is a blessing to realise that love is a full circle, no beginning and no end.