Author: Mies

Luscious and scrumptious tasting ingredients… flour,sugar, milk and eggs seem easy enough a combination….placed into the ‘hearth’ to rise and bake..

What happens when the oven door opens too soon and the cake is not ready….not fully baked…yet so tempting and seducing with it’s lingering aroma. When what you think is fate seems, to have arrived too early….being not quite there yet ?! Or maybe it will never be what it might have been intended to become. Wondering why, is a waste of time, it’s something that becomes apparent after endless sleepless nights and plenty of circles on the roundabout. Sometimes timing just ain’t right. It’s as simple as that. Sometimes a point of no return put you there, in the middle of uncertainty. Left to ponder and explore.

Wondering…..why…and why not. Over and over again. Some things need time, to adjust, to entwine, and to connect, just rightly. Just like the cake. No use pushing it. Patience becomes a true virtue in these cases, for there is not a single certainty to this real life open ended recipe.

So time after time, desperately trying to find the right button to press, thinking I may have found it and realising that even though I seem to hit some home truths, I cannot get to what lies beyond them….that, which is safely tucked away, in a comfort zone for fears to reign.

When truths are untold or left out, time has a way of resurfacing them, at exactly the right moment, does the same thing happen with fate….does it fall into place at exactly the right instant ?!  Will time ensure the proper outcome of it?!

And how does the concept of ‘wasted time’ fit into this…how long do you ‘take your time’ ?! Is time endless and unwinding ?! Does time also need distance to evolve and grow…

When we find ourselves in this ‘lost zone’, a ‘black hole’ as it were, filled with endless possibilities, yet yearning for our wish to come true….do we stare into the darkness hoping to see what we so hope to see, only to find that in the end, life throws you in an unexpected twirl….?! Are we constantly grasping at straws ?! Or is there a way to make happen, what we so want to make happen.

A good cake is made from an ‘old recipe’ one that has been sampled over and over again, all the ingredients blending into a fantastic flavour, one that is so tasty, that it will make us want to make the cake again, and again. Is this too needed in relationships, the right ingredients at exactly the right time….Ensuring taste and structure ?! It seems logical enough.

A year ago, my ingredients were finally assigned to me ….and I combined them with someone else’s hoping to bake a fabulous cake together, but everytime I stare into the oven and see, that to this day, the smell is wonderful, it looks fantastic and tastes close to perfect, but something seems to have gone wrong with the structure of it all….and neither of us seems capable of ‘fixing’ it….we keep leaving it mushy and nearly done…each choosing a different and new mix elsewhere, thinking that will make us the cake we think we want…but will it !?!

I guess maybe, once time and distance get a chance to work it out, the cake may possibly have fully baked to perfection….fate remains… and only time will tell.

Having spent many days driving in circles on life’s roundabout, I have finally taken an exit…hopefully the right one.

Once a year I get a week of  ‘ME’ time as the kids go on holidays with their dad. It seems to have a strange effect on me, for in that week, I party, hardly sleep and mostly just try to enjoy life to the limit. As I did this time…

I took a wonderful ride, full of fun and adventure, with a sense of new found freedom that is usually unknown to me. Only to find that with the return of my children, my life too came back, and hit me hard.
I had been living Cinderella’s night out at the castle, the pumpkin chariot, the fairy godmother, and even the handsome young prince all played a part in my week’s fairytale, one I so wanted to turn into reality, yet found out that even my deepest desires couldn’t keep that scene enchanted !! And so the fairytale ended, but not as they usually do, I’m afraid.

Real life just has no clue as to what fairytales are made of. We often have all the right ingredients, yet still manage to make a mess of things. Luckily, the real life version of my life, is one I cherish and prosper in.

However deciding what is right is not an easy task, for what is right for me now, is no longer what was right for me pre-kids, or pre-marriage, or pre-awakening, or even what will be right for me next month or next year… Some things still seem to happen for the first time, even though I am a grown up mother of three. And without wanting to sound  melodramatic, I do think that my life seems at times to be one big Greek drama. Comedy and tragedy blended into some sort of happy meal type package deal of the week, or month. Each time with a surprise element included 😉 Not always one I am actually ‘happy’ with, I might add.

So, slowly adjusting back to my actual life, kind of freaks me out too. As much as I love my children, I do not only consist of ‘motherness’, this week showed me that there is within me a woman dying to live her life and satisfy her needs and expectations. Something that may sound awful, egoistic and maybe even self centered. I may actually be suffering from a fluke I never thought would happen to me. Being in control of everything, always, I now feel like I’m in my pumpkin chariot which turned into a loose projectile, flying through my neighbourhood, hitting anything and everything and not quite understanding why. Probably creating havoc and damage all over, yet not knowing how to stop it.

So…for now, I took an exit…no idea where this road is going to take me, but hopefully to stiller waters and greener pastures. So that all the damaged territory can have time to heal and recover, whilst I’m on this road less travelled…..curving slowly into the French country side….welcoming me into La douce France for a much needed time-out !!!