Author: Mies

Once again it happened….having ‘frightened’ away my ‘first knight’, because of my trust issues and probably other significant stuff it has made me wonder if this relationship tango is even possible for me. I find myself feeling happy, yet, something seems to be standing in the way of love. But what…?!

The other day a friend of mine pointed out to me that I seem to be attracting the ‘wrong’ crowd…feeling young at heart, it seems that that is exactly what is being projected, and therefore my unexpected and unprecedented  ‘target’ group have become the ‘much younger men’…..

This is not something that I aim at, but for some reason it seems to happen every time, and it has me wondering whether it has to do with my inability to decide what I want in a relationship, or just plain coincidence..
These younger guys are enjoying their life, their spirits are so full of positivity and they have many plans and ambitions and still have a sense of old fashioned romance, that older men seem to lack. For the latter, any fuss seems too much of a hassle and so they decide enough is enough and they move on to the next available woman, this probably explains why younger women get picked generally, as they have less ‘complications’ in life.

Not feeling too sure about my own thoughts on the great age gap, yet curious to explore, I realize this may be dangerous territory for everyone involved. Always worrying about what people may say or think, and what judgements might be made. Speculations and or opinions of others seem to affect me too much, even though it’s my life to live, and my call to make. Having been pointed out this exact issue by a much younger person in my life, it finally truly hit home for me. We live in a society where no one would have commented if I were to go out with an older man, but when the age difference is the other way around, it’s ‘not done’. Men get away with it, women don’t, unless you happen to be Demi 😉

So it leaves me wondering where I stand in this all. Do we choose a person or love according to age ?! Or is it just a number indicating how long we’ve been around?! And who gets to decide which number fits and which one doesn’t ?! I’m sure it’s not as simple as it all may seem, as Prince Charming may come riding by in many attires. Some of which we may have thought were exactly what we wanted, yet in the end were nowhere near what we needed, or wished for. It makes me think of Shrek, a modern time fairytale mocking the looks, size and age of  Mr. Perfect, love knows no settings, only those that trigger your deepest emotions and they somehow remain unexplainable. And so it should be.

The criticisms of the world, of which I once too did partake, now seem so out of place and dated. Does that mean I no longer have morals and values, or is it just a different view on life?! Who is to tell ….
What I have noticed is that looking into that direction and option, brings turbulence to life. Uprooting all sorts of beliefs and values seems to be part of this rollercoaster ride we’re all on, and in turn it hurts those that cannot and will not budge. I am sorry for that, yet will not quit the ride for it.

Finding myself being challenged by these new and exciting aspects of life, I can’t help but to wonder why it is only now that I am confronted with things that others did and learnt at much earlier stages of their lives. This proving to me, once again, that age is but a number, as experience comes when it comes. It is an awkward time in my life to still be doing this trial and error excercise. Once again another new road has opened up and it’s time to take a walk, wander and take in.

For if you don’t take a plunge into the deep end once in a while, you may not find what it is you’re looking for. No pain, no gain, seems an appropriate slogan to go with. So try before you die and remember that most of all, it is your own self that needs to feel happy and alive, when that happens, your joy will hopefully be contagious enough to help settle the dust that you caused to arise !!!

Sunshine or not, the tough days still seem to appear out of the blue. Funny how you can be surrounded by wonderful friends and family, yet feel so lonely at times. It just goes to show that loneliness is inside of you, not influenced by outside factors. (Although keeping busy can help your lonely spirit hide.)
Today happens to be one of those days…the sun is out and making everyone happy, yet I find myself excluded from it. No kids, no friends, no family. Just me.

Draining in self pity I guess, for a bit…as no happy thought and no amount of sunshine seems to do the trick.

It’s just one of those days…

We all have them I’m sure, a friend of mine has had to put her kids on a plane for a month long trip to visit their father abroad, it must have been so hard for her to do, yet she will hopefully not feel lonely as she has found her prince charming and his love and attention will take the edge off missing her girls.

I know you should never count on the other person for your own happiness, that’s not how it works, you need to be and feel happy yourself and the other person will just add to that. Thing is…..it would be nice at times to have that addition…just that little bit extra. Knowing a special person out there thinks the world of you and will undrown your sorrow. Can’t help but think that makes me greedy and needy….yet doesn’t everyone hope to find that ?!

It’s on the off days that life looks so gloomy, and for some reason, it’s hard for me to get through them…
Miss my kids, and all their laughter. Feel excluded from friend and family events, as sometimes my presence is no longer appreciated. It makes things awkward and hard for everyone involved, I am still the same person, just no longer suitable. All very understandable, which makes it even harder at times, for I do not want to let anyone feel uncomfortable or obliged.

It’s weird how it happens that by being single at my age, makes you less likely to get invited to things that couples and families do together. Especially at weekends and dinner parties. So best and only option is to find your own fun in life. And I say this trying to convince myself out of my solitude mood. 😉

A full 24 hours of indulging myself in ME time, and not having had a single proper conversation with anyone, leaves me feeling like a hermit, secluded from society. And that is not my thing.
Even so, a ‘time out’ is good for everyone, time to self reflect, ponder and wonder. Life is not always on the up, so it’s good to explore the lowlands.

I wouldn’t be me if a plan of action had not been made so ….as the skies turn grey and rain approaches, soon enough my kids will be back home, grandparents will be visiting and enough food to feed the hungry will decorate the table !! Now THAT, is what I call living the good life !

The loneliness ? It gets tucked away till next time….  😉

Apparently if you get hurt somewhere along the way of love, sometimes without even noticing it at first, cuts appear and scars occur. Funny how this doesn’t become apparent until it’s allready full blown in your face. After years of ‘healing’ and ‘growing’ I thought I had reached the point of being able to ‘start over’. Everything was running smoothly, great friends, caring family, well settled kids, and a new life that suited me and all my likes, and the will to love again !

How wrong I was.

A few trial and errors had not seemed so harmless at the time, even though they hurt the ego and caused some tiny emotional turmoil. Every single time I dusted myself off and set my path onwards. Of course wondering why and what may have led to the unsuccesful ‘relationship’, but determined to learn from it and make better judgements next time round.

So, not considering that each and every ‘other’ time, I was actually dealing with a new and ‘other’ person, I became strict and non acceptive. Trusting someone is not as easy as it once was, when I blindly followed and believed. After having been ‘screwed around’ a few times, I figured everyone had such a deviously deceptive plan and intention in mind, never considering that there may still be noble men (and women) out there. Taking a look around, didn’t help much either, as people seemed to be splitting up for the most insane reasons possible, left and right.

Finding myself checking things in shameful ‘Big Broher Like Ways’, and thinking it an absolute natural way of handling the situation. I never considered that it may just be a way of controlling my own feelings, so they wouldn’t again get hurt. At times, the ‘spying’ would lead to nothing as the hunch would not turn out the way I expected it to, and other times I would think something of a certain ‘act’ that meant nothing and was easily clarified with a perfectly innocent explanation.  So what I ended up doing is looking for the ‘fault’ …..UNTIL I  found ANYTHING…because all I seemed  to want, was to be right about the person in question not being trustworthy. The trouble with all this snooping around is that, you leave no space for naturalness, for true desire, or attraction. It kills anything and everything by suffocating the ‘butterfly’ breeze. Not only do you achieve hurting yourself anyway, but you now also find yourself hurting other people, especially those with the best intentions.

It became apparent to me that we can only open ourselves up to love if we open ourselves up to pain and hurt. For without one, there is no other.

A great challenge lies before me, as I must now find a way to trust and not be afraid of the consequences. In a world where everything seems scattered and upside down, and ethics are lost in desires. Putting an end to my own doubts and without hurting yet another person. I hope that it will be possible to find my way again, and if I’m lucky, very lucky, there’ll be some out there willing to lovingly help me get there. 🙂 So I guess it’s about time to cut the crap and cut some of them out there, some slack ….daring to jump in the deep end ! Leaving it up to fate…..sticking with it…to see how the story goes….