Apparently if you get hurt somewhere along the way of love, sometimes without even noticing it at first, cuts appear and scars occur. Funny how this doesn’t become apparent until it’s allready full blown in your face. After years of ‘healing’ and ‘growing’ I thought I had reached the point of being able to ‘start over’. Everything was running smoothly, great friends, caring family, well settled kids, and a new life that suited me and all my likes, and the will to love again !
How wrong I was.
A few trial and errors had not seemed so harmless at the time, even though they hurt the ego and caused some tiny emotional turmoil. Every single time I dusted myself off and set my path onwards. Of course wondering why and what may have led to the unsuccesful ‘relationship’, but determined to learn from it and make better judgements next time round.
So, not considering that each and every ‘other’ time, I was actually dealing with a new and ‘other’ person, I became strict and non acceptive. Trusting someone is not as easy as it once was, when I blindly followed and believed. After having been ‘screwed around’ a few times, I figured everyone had such a deviously deceptive plan and intention in mind, never considering that there may still be noble men (and women) out there. Taking a look around, didn’t help much either, as people seemed to be splitting up for the most insane reasons possible, left and right.
Finding myself checking things in shameful ‘Big Broher Like Ways’, and thinking it an absolute natural way of handling the situation. I never considered that it may just be a way of controlling my own feelings, so they wouldn’t again get hurt. At times, the ‘spying’ would lead to nothing as the hunch would not turn out the way I expected it to, and other times I would think something of a certain ‘act’ that meant nothing and was easily clarified with a perfectly innocent explanation. So what I ended up doing is looking for the ‘fault’ …..UNTIL I found ANYTHING…because all I seemed to want, was to be right about the person in question not being trustworthy. The trouble with all this snooping around is that, you leave no space for naturalness, for true desire, or attraction. It kills anything and everything by suffocating the ‘butterfly’ breeze. Not only do you achieve hurting yourself anyway, but you now also find yourself hurting other people, especially those with the best intentions.
It became apparent to me that we can only open ourselves up to love if we open ourselves up to pain and hurt. For without one, there is no other.
A great challenge lies before me, as I must now find a way to trust and not be afraid of the consequences. In a world where everything seems scattered and upside down, and ethics are lost in desires. Putting an end to my own doubts and without hurting yet another person. I hope that it will be possible to find my way again, and if I’m lucky, very lucky, there’ll be some out there willing to lovingly help me get there. 🙂 So I guess it’s about time to cut the crap and cut some of them out there, some slack ….daring to jump in the deep end ! Leaving it up to fate…..sticking with it…to see how the story goes….