Forty

One of my all time favourite movies has a magnificent quote :

” I think your heart grows back bigger, you know? Once you get the shit beat out of you. And uhm, the universe lets your heart expand that way, and I think that’s the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place, and that’s how I see it anyway”
(Must Love Dogs)

I have loved this quote from the very first time I heard it. But today, it finally made perfect sense to me !

My very best friends decided to organise a ‘surprise’ – 40th – birthday party for me. Inviting some of my closest friends only, because;…they jokingly complained,
‘I apparently have too many friends….’

To be honest I felt desperation and guilt but something clicked into place whilst I cried tears of overwhelming self issues over this and gratefulness took over.

All this time, I thought that life was about that ONE love, that very special person that is supposed to come into our lives and sweep us off our feet. The knight in shining armour. The one that makes it all worthwhile. The true love of your life. How wrong I was…how terribly wrong I was….

You see, I had not wanted to celebrate this upcoming birthday. Because, well;
I felt sad and ashamed that at 40 I have not yet achieved that much in my life;
I felt single and a failure for it;
I felt shame towards my children who have seen me cry on numerous occasions out of utter desperation and struggling with my life’s challenges;
I felt a great need for independence since nothing I have is actually mine;
I felt my best was never quite good enough;
I felt stupid and guilty for feeling all of the above in the first place;…and last but not least just because forty sounds so damned old and grey hairs and wrinkles are invading what used to be ‘me’…!!

How ungrateful and wrong I was !!!

Life is not about a summary of what you feel you haven’t done or feeling sorry for yourself and it’s also not about ONE love at all. It is about all the things you did from the heart and about GREAT love, it has nothing to do with superficial achievements, money or status.

Great love is when your heart fills with joy because you realise that you have kids that you are utterly proud of, because they are turning into fantastic, compassionate and good human beings.
Great love is when you can be there for someone exactly at the right moment.
Great love is when you’ve had someone to lean on time after time, without fault.
Great love is knowing that those you care about so much care just as much about you.
And among all the many many other Great loves is;
the Great love of your friends when they team up together  and even though you yourself don’t feel you deserve it, they still find you worthy of a surprise 40th birthday bash !!

Today I was reminded of this, life isn’t always rosy, and we all have our shit to deal with – to each their own. But it is as great as we make it within us. It is all as good as we accept it to be.

And so, to go back to the wonderful quote, I think that my heart has grown back – bigger, and bigger each and every time after every ache and pain. And I am now in a much better place !

It’s time to enjoy the moments and share some of the love that has been put in there by all these great loves, so that this fantastic heart warming friendship is passed along to others.

I guess forty means ‘over the hill’ in the sense that the climb may be over and it’s now time to slowly stroll down hill whilst enjoying the magnificent views of this ‘better place’ that holds a wonderful inner sense of serenity.

BUT if it’s not, then it’s time to just roll off that hill and enjoy the ride, for God’s sake!!

How lucky I am to have reached forty with such Great loves !! THANK YOU X

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