Author: Mies

Faced with one of the most difficult tasks in my life due to who I am and how I function, (or not)…I find myself, waiting. Waiting for an answer, a sign, a hint, anything that will make this stomach-aching-clutchy feeling inside of me, settle and calm down.

Once again, I induced the pain and torture of this ‘wait’ on myself….by being careless with a precious gift called ‘love’. One too many rejections, one too many moments of doubt and fear…and the frailty of love dissolved into what if’s and never mind’s …

The pain and regret that directly strike you straight after you get hit by that reality are mind blowing and deeply heartfelt. ‘Not again’ dashes through your mind like a crazy man…accusing you of repeated behaviour and ditto mistakes. Blame and failure set out to win this fight. But who is right…if any of them?!

‘If only’s’ find a way to haunt you down and make ‘what if’s’ ..something of the past. No longer does that future look as bright and colourful as it did the split second before the damage was done. And so, after you hear yourself begging and pleading for the ‘what might have been’s’ ….you realise that all that’s left is waiting. Waiting for what the one you hurt decides your verdict is….:, to continue loving or let go,  that is the question. An extremity like hot and cold….two ‘aquaintances’ usually nowhere near to each other, yet so close and made of the same substance. The treacherous debate will now take place within a mind and heart outside your own.

You find yourself waiting in stages.

First denial, because you cannot believe the damage that was done by your carelessness and the amount of love you might have broken…then comes anger, at yourself for having failed and hurt the one person that always stood by you no matter what. This gets followed by pathetic bargaining, a million promises made to solve every single problem that arises. An impossible and truly unaccomplishable task. So you sink into depression, as you realise what you have lost and broken, and that no matter what you might want to glue it back together with, the wound will have to heal by itself ….somehow….and so you accept. Accept that all that can be done is wait. Wait for a miracle, or wait until time helps heal the wound….and hope that what is left of it when ‘healed’ is still strong enough to survive the next stage….whatever the outcome.

But combining all of the above, the list dashes through my head in constant repetition…and makes the wait a long and painful one, with no one but myself to blame for it.

Whatever anyone says about this topic…I just don’t feel it….the whole loving ‘ME‘ thing…I mean, I see it, and I get the hang of the actual concept, but I just can’t seem to feel it or apply it. Not that I’m an unlovable person, surely not, but actually loving myself on a daily basis?? Nope…it’s not happenin’ !!!

To be honest,  mostly I’m not very pleased with myself or how I handle things, quite appalled even at times..(but I’ll leave out the worst bits, just to spare you…) it’s just that I’m not so good at ‘crisis management’ or even ‘forgiving myself‘ for all my binge eating, lack of patience, vocal outbursts and/or stubborn mistakes that seem to happen over and over again.
At the end of the day, when all goes black and night falls, the same thing happens to me, all goes black and I fall. I fall into the habit of self-criticism. I review my day and decide what should have gone differently, seldom do I have a day that I seem satisfied or even a little pleased about. It’s not that I’m depressed or anything similar, no worries there, I just feel I could and should do better.

I find myself ruled over by my über ME, as if my strict-self comes out, telling me I ate too much, talked too much, spent too much but did too little. ‘This intolerant self’ can get quite annoyed at ME for all that and more….and so the lecture begins…

‘Tomorrow….I shall...’ and ‘after that….I will...’ or even ‘never again …shall I...’

All my weak points get summoned and told off by the dark-night-time-ME. The better ME. Maybe even the perfect ME, yes that’s right.. Über ME

Having said all this, there is little or no room left for any self-love, because I plainly do not fit my own ‘perfect picture’ of ME. And so, I regret the faults, the decisions, the mistakes, and sometimes even who I was that day…(preposterous, I know, because it’s not like I can just ‘change’ that ME, right ?!) but that’s how it is, plain and simple.

You’d think that getting told by friends and family that you are a nice enough person and perfectly worth loving would help out in these circumstances, but NO…for me that tends to inflame the affected ‘I-must-work-on- ME‘ areas. Which in turn brings me more torture when night time sets in, as that becomes another issue altogether.

I find that I am exhausting myself – and others – with this unsatisfying trend. It is making me even more unloved and inaccessible, even to myself. Not to fear though…this too has become a task to tackle according to my nightly fussy-GOD-mother !!!

Tonight however, I plan to outwit the ‘perfect ME’ by telling her that I refuse to be berated on all my faults and defects !!! There will be NO more self-bashing, no more nasty comments and no more hoping to become that better person that I am supposed to LOVE. It’s just not gonna happen. It’s ME, it’s been ME for 38 years and I’m gonna stay being ME for the next 38 years at least. So deal with it. Bugger off and leave me be….
Difficult, complicated, temperamental and extremely indecisive….so much so, that I’m giving up this endless struggle, I’m fed up with it, enough is enough. I’ve tried….I failed, FINE.
All the possible ‘loving ME’ giddinnes will be left up to others from now on. Good Luck with that I say !!

Now I just have to find the courage to feel all THAT 

Mies

I guess the best description of me now would be a read-faced-woman, with steam coming out of my ears and nostrils !! Once again, I opened my mouth on paper, well….specifically in an e-mail. You see, my eldest daughter has been playing field hockey since her 5th birthday and she is now about to turn 13. I am proud to say that with the effort she puts into it, she has made the best teams for a few years now. As her mother I am incredibly proud of this achievement and I encourage her as much as I can, by attending as many of her matches against other star talents as possible. Yes, I say ‘as possible’ because  I have two other kids, who I am equally proud of and whom I also like to encourage in their sporting activities.

Being a single mom, I try to keep things as uncomplicated as possible, so for convenience sake, all three kids play field hockey (luckily they also love it). This way, everything happens in one place (the Club). The Club is about a 15 minute drive from home, a road I have frequented more over these past 8 years than any other in my life, so much so, that it sometimes feels like the Club is our second home. We are there on Monday’s, Wednesday’s, Friday’s and Saturday’s….and even though it looks like a nice place to spend sunny afternoons sipping tea, (or as some prefer; wine) the glamour of it wears off by the perpetual visits. It’s like a relationship, you need some time apart sometimes to bring back some of the old ‘spark’.

This ‘time-apart’ is what I like to call…’the Holidays’ ….they are a much loved time of peace and rest, provided by school, and all sorts of other authorities, so you’d expect the same to be true for sports clubs…but noooooo !! These girls are so highly motivated and encouraged by colleague sports-fanatics that they will be training during the ‘holidays’ much to my dismay. You see, I don’t want to be a ‘Cruella de Vil’ who prohibits her daughter to join them, but I do want a vacation from that cobble road I travel on sometimes 13 times a week….most of all though, I want my daughter to have time to enjoy the other things in life, because believe it or not, there is a whole world out there just waiting to be explored and it’s not all within the boundaries of a hockey field.

The problem is, of course, a ‘conscience’ one….if I don’t let her go, she will think it’s not fair as she might miss out on some essential stuff, which could put her at a disadvantage, in a team where, however proud I am, she has to work her butt off to keep up with the better players. I don’t want that to happen either, because her efforts should not be ruined by my need for a break from this scene and roadtrip. If I do let her go, it will seem as if I’m supporting this sporty overdose, which I am definately not.

So what to do in this case ? Give into this fanatic neurosis, that will only get worse as Christmas holidays, Easter holidays and even summer holidays will prove to be great practice opportunities for even better and bolder results…who are we kidding here ?! If you are shoved into something you feel forced into, you’ll end up hating it …so lets just enjoy the holidays and let go of all the ‘must do’s’….Please, pretty please.