Whatever anyone says about this topic…I just don’t feel it….the whole loving ‘ME‘ thing…I mean, I see it, and I get the hang of the actual concept, but I just can’t seem to feel it or apply it. Not that I’m an unlovable person, surely not, but actually loving myself on a daily basis?? Nope…it’s not happenin’ !!!
To be honest, mostly I’m not very pleased with myself or how I handle things, quite appalled even at times..(but I’ll leave out the worst bits, just to spare you…) it’s just that I’m not so good at ‘crisis management’ or even ‘forgiving myself‘ for all my binge eating, lack of patience, vocal outbursts and/or stubborn mistakes that seem to happen over and over again.
At the end of the day, when all goes black and night falls, the same thing happens to me, all goes black and I fall. I fall into the habit of self-criticism. I review my day and decide what should have gone differently, seldom do I have a day that I seem satisfied or even a little pleased about. It’s not that I’m depressed or anything similar, no worries there, I just feel I could and should do better.
I find myself ruled over by my über ME, as if my strict-self comes out, telling me I ate too much, talked too much, spent too much but did too little. ‘This intolerant self’ can get quite annoyed at ME for all that and more….and so the lecture begins…
‘Tomorrow….I shall...’ and ‘after that….I will...’ or even ‘never again …shall I...’
All my weak points get summoned and told off by the dark-night-time-ME. The better ME. Maybe even the perfect ME, yes that’s right.. Über ME
Having said all this, there is little or no room left for any self-love, because I plainly do not fit my own ‘perfect picture’ of ME. And so, I regret the faults, the decisions, the mistakes, and sometimes even who I was that day…(preposterous, I know, because it’s not like I can just ‘change’ that ME, right ?!) but that’s how it is, plain and simple.
You’d think that getting told by friends and family that you are a nice enough person and perfectly worth loving would help out in these circumstances, but NO…for me that tends to inflame the affected ‘I-must-work-on- ME‘ areas. Which in turn brings me more torture when night time sets in, as that becomes another issue altogether.
I find that I am exhausting myself – and others – with this unsatisfying trend. It is making me even more unloved and inaccessible, even to myself. Not to fear though…this too has become a task to tackle according to my nightly fussy-GOD-mother !!!
Tonight however, I plan to outwit the ‘perfect ME’ by telling her that I refuse to be berated on all my faults and defects !!! There will be NO more self-bashing, no more nasty comments and no more hoping to become that better person that I am supposed to LOVE. It’s just not gonna happen. It’s ME, it’s been ME for 38 years and I’m gonna stay being ME for the next 38 years at least. So deal with it. Bugger off and leave me be….
Difficult, complicated, temperamental and extremely indecisive….so much so, that I’m giving up this endless struggle, I’m fed up with it, enough is enough. I’ve tried….I failed, FINE.
All the possible ‘loving ME’ giddinnes will be left up to others from now on. Good Luck with that I say !!
Now I just have to find the courage to feel all THAT 😉