Author: Mies

All too often in the past I have tried not to hurt anyone, avoiding confrontations with friends and even family. Arguments would only take place within my own four walls and the ‘poor’ ex had to deal with all of my frustrations and temperamental outbursts, because of my refusal to confront the person and or issue I truly had a problem with. I think that when we ‘grow up’, this feeling of ‘caution’ disappears and we learn to stand for our own wants and wishes.

I know that lately I have started exploring that. Scared to death to lose friends that way, but also realising that if I don’t, I’ll lose myself .

When it comes to men the issue is more complicated.

A friend of mine is ‘stuck’ in the tug of war of passionate desire. She fell in love with a seemingly wonderful man, who just lacked some TLC  (tender love and care) in order to dare to open up. She gave him plenty. Kindness, love and affection. Like a clam, he slowly showed some of his inner space, only to shut down and shut her out soon after. He left her lingering for more, but from that point on it had become too ‘dangerous’ for him and he promptly decided not to let her in again, off he went in search of a new adventure. Funny as this individual was not the adventurous type when it came to love…he found some southern temperamental diva and probably reenacted the same clam-jam-act with her.

Meanwhile my friend was going through a medical crisis of her own and found herself longing for this long lost friendship. Still feeling so connected with her clam-man, that she truly hoped he would come through in her hour of need. The hour came and passed but the clam-man was nowhere in sight. No call, no mail, not a single sign of life. She defended him, saying it was hard for him to stand by her at this moment as it brought him painful memories. And still…nothing. To this day, he has not asked her how she has been, even though he has responded to some business emails from her in the meantime. An absolute riddle as to why love goes the way it goes and why we want what we can’t have, it seems.

It makes me wonder why, as women, we so feel the need to nurture this indecent behaviour. Why is it so hard to believe that we deserve more and better !! And when that suddenly finds you, more often than not, we decide that a man who is prepared to make the proper ‘sacrifices’ for us, is not the ‘type’ of man we’re after…afterall.
She’s slowly started letting go, step by step, day by day. His picture has been removed, leaving a clean mark on a dusty shelf. The place he has in her heart remains untouched however. Hopeful still… but secretly knowing that he will most probably not return any time soon, if ever….

Having found herself surviving yet another dispappointment in her life, she still shows incredible courage and life spirit, and like in any sequel, the end of this tale surprises us with a twist….. clam-man re-appears from out of nowhere and the storyline takes an unexpected turn….. To be continued !!

So what if you found yourself dating a much younger man, but not feeling a day past his age. Lost in the emotions of it all, loving the attention, the charming ways of his courtship, and wondering how it is possible that such a young man could fall head over heals in love with an older woman. The thought has crossed my mind many a time, for it does happen, and the phenomenon intrigues me.

It’s insane, of course it is;  no way in the world these two people could be compatible, or even have anything in common, right ?! But then how do you explain the multitude of men that choose to fall in love with a woman 15 to 20 years their minor. In our modern day society that is totally acceptable. Sadly even in cases where a perfectly commendable ‘older’ woman has been exchanged for a newer, younger version. Even then, we tolerate and accept it. After all, a woman should look up to her man, and that is more likely if they’re significantly a few years younger than the man they’re dating..

When it comes to younger men though, it’s a different story. We consider them ‘immature’, too ‘baby-faced’ and just not ‘fully baked’. But who says that’s the case with all young men?! Isn’t it possible that there are a few older souls out there?! Those that may have matured quicker in certain areas and think with the same ‘age’ of grey-matter we do. They are out there, and to confuse us all even more, they are sometimes even further along than most men our own age, ladies…!!!

The consequences of such a relationship are probably grand however. To begin with, if there are children involved they are usually shocked or maybe even scarred for life, friends may drop you like alfredo, as you seem to have gone haywire with such a choice. And family well, that is awkward enough too, as you may have to meet the parents, one day, who may only be a little bit older than yourself and that in itself seems unacceptable and extremely inexcusable.

So why is it that there’s sometimes the attraction without age consideration?! Take away the numbers and the souls may fit. What is the proper thing to do then?! Do you follow your heart, or do you go with what goes?!

Of course if you want to set yourself up for a heartbreak, this may be the best way to go. A younger guy will have many more opportunities to leave you for another woman, or in his case another life. I have no idea what the odds are of such a relationship prevailing. Too many obstacles seem to pop into mind and with the current situation on ‘same aged’ people separating, I should think that adding the age hurdle will only complicate things even further….

Then again, a woman may find herself in some sort of need to satify her (maybe last) sexual peak and still feel attractive enough to challenge herself by testing the waters. If so, then this combination seems Godsend, as younger men are said to be more virile and willing, as opposed to their older adversaries. Something that in itself makes you wonder what the older man does with his younger woman, as we mostly (like to) think it has to do with a greater sexual appetite. I think, however, that there is more of an ‘adoration’ issue there, than anything else. Men love to be looked up to and admired, and admittedly, younger women still do that. Older ones know better. No offence.

Don’t get me wrong though, for I am not against an age difference, it’s only when age becomes part of the problem that I react strongly against it.
So, to conclude, why is it that in today’s society, where so much is tolerated and accepted, the idea of a woman dating a younger man is still so outdated? … I wonder, do we feel threatened as a society, or is it just a case of men (still) having more priviledges than women even in this day and AGE?!

For a while know I have had the suspicious notion that the men I’ve dated so far, have perceived me as their ‘side dish’ and not their main course. I’ve been what the French appropriately call an ‘amuse bouche’ (literally an amusing mouthful). I tickled their appetite ….for more….just not more of me !!

It leaves me a little sad and disappointed to say the least, for it just seems so hard to understand that someone can like so much of you, yet, not want you. But I suppose it’s exactly like that appetizer, it’s a flavour explosion that makes you curiously long for the next dish…..yes…the next one. A hidden seduction… an enticement. If we ‘translate’ that into intimate relationships, I have only been that which one tries before the real master piece is welcomed and approved of, in other words a ‘flirtation’ of sorts.

It has been very frustrating to be honest, many tears have trickled down my cheeks over this, and however much I’d like to understand it.

I don’t.

Can a ‘side dish’ ever turn into a main platter ?! Do I stand a chance in a world saturated with numerous ‘pieces de resistance’ ?!

One thing I’m sure of…I no longer want to be that side dish…. the one that seems suitable and readily available to accompany all meals. Easily combined and always enjoyable yet never quite the filler. I long for a complimentary combination or the whole hog. In this case that would make me the center piece of the table like a magestic banquet of…, in my case, pork.

So how do you go from being a simple ‘extra’ to the most wanted platter…well that’s where I seem a little lost and confused. Afterall, pork needs gravy, lamb is complemented by mintsauce, chicken goes best with lemon, garlic and spices, and even bread needs butter to complete it. Still that leaves me nowhere. Except back where I started…as the complimentary side dish. Which I’ve decided I no longer want to be.

I guess what I’m trying so hard to say is that I no longer want to be assigned the crumbs in this meal of a lifetime. I will attend the table in honour or not at all. I will be scrumptiously tasted and flavoured and will only be satisfied if my ‘taster’ is left longing for more, concluding that I’m finger-licking delicious and should be cherished and adored like any proper ‘piece de resistance’ ought to be !!!

For now though….I have decided to decline my place at the table in order to have an appropriate ‘men pause’… so at this moment in time this ‘side dish’ is off limits to the empty stomachs of uncommittable men with hunger pangs.