Author: Mies

Isn’t that exactly what we all seem to avoid doing saying, and even in those cases where we finally say what we need to say, sometimes it comes out ‘all wrong’….as is often the case with me. I either truly say too much or just not enough of what I should. I’m learning though…slowly but steadily, to speak my mind and it’s become easier now that I am getting to know my out-of-control-psyche…just a tad.

It’s always baffled me that some people just know exactly how things are supposed to be, their minds are clear, straight lines, no loopholes, just plain and simple. Mine isn’t, it’s a constant chaos of what ‘if’s’ and what ‘may’s’ …never ending discussions and options, in one ear and out the other, continuous confusion, mayhem and turbulence….havocking  my ‘upstairs attic room’.

I find it exhausting at times, yet wouldn’t want it any other way….as it’s exactly what makes me, ME. However, I so admire those with clearer views and outlined barriers. I guess it’s like an interior, mine is crowded, cluttered and very lived in, but others live in minimalism often optimally maximizing their options and capacities that way !!

I’m in constant struggle with the ‘shadows in my head’ always wondering which voice to listen to and why…endless discussions good and bad, a waterfall of emotions streaming through now and again, after each big storm, befogging thoughts… but in the end bringing calmness and clarity for a little while, till the next downpour.

It’s like living on a different plane, and ‘odd-dimensional’ layer, one that feels alive but invincible…kind of like the one you sometimes feel you’re in after watching an action movie, where the hero, went through the toughest combats and battles ever, yet, survived and triumphed all, with barely a scratch to show for it…and leaving you in (his) euphoric exaltation.

That kind of almighty perception, is what seems to be what continuously lives in my ‘mind-attic’.

So…having unveiled the insidesghts of  my ‘top chamber’, and probably leaving you thinking I am absolutely bonkers, rest assured that it keeps me living the vida loca, that I so love to dwell in. Looking forward to what comes next, always !!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/05/share-your-breakthrough-s_n_667245.html#s123650

I decided today that I am getting OLD !!! My face has gone wrinkly…..37 has caught up with me and become visible. No longer able to pretend to be young, by acting it, as the lines on my face give it away now.
Not sure I really like that, even though I used to think I wouldn’t have a problem with ageing at all…well, apparently… I do. It’s strange how men seem to get more handsome with age, yet women just shrivel and crumple. Mother Nature, must have had her say in this….obviously making sure she kept plenty of good looking men around for herself !

Of course there are ways to make it ‘go away’; botox, fillers, face lifts, you name it !! But the fact is….you’re only delaying the process and in time it catches up with you anyway.
So, after having bought a very expensive ‘plumping cream’, and carefully rubbing it on my face, I realised there was absolutely no change…and just the mere realisation of THAT has created yet another ‘frown’ on my creasing face !!!

So now what….just accept it and grow old in dignity ?! No way, I refuse to !! It is not fair, that only half our lives we’re allowed to roam wrinkle-free-and-young on this planet. All fashion dictates in magazines is outer beauty, and ‘photochoppedshopped’ perfection….and here I am with my face and hair in the process of slowly shrivelling and thinning out by the day hour…

Stuck in my ‘sexual peak’ years, finally feeling comfortable enough with my body as it is, (which is by no means as great as it used to be 😉 ) yet now having to switch off the light to hide my wrinkles….and having to accept that time is catching up and taking it’s toll, all in one subtle move one glorious morning…. The day you all of a sudden look older, than yesterday…. Doom’s Day !!

I find myself wanting to scream, but refusing to do so, as screaming may create even more wrinkles ! And the thought of one more small hint of a line, just horrifies me !!!

In my ‘younger’ days, I used to see older women on TV, and I remember thinking and saying, “look at what a wonderful life she’s had, you can tell by the lines on her face.” Well, I no longer seem to agree with that thought. It’s a fright in the mirror every morning….shocked to encounter my own reflection, feeling not a day over 20 yet looking way older !!! I think I may officially be having a crisis of age….I’m afraid Carl Jung warned us all for this, ‘an emotional transition as a normal part of the maturing process…’ (sounds like Swiss Cheese to me… 😉 ) but I guess he was right…and there are five phases to go through. I’m still in the first one…shock…!! Denial, depression, anger and acceptance still need to come…so wrinkles beware, this fight’s not over YET !!!!