Say what you need to say…

Isn’t that exactly what we all seem to avoid doing saying, and even in those cases where we finally say what we need to say, sometimes it comes out ‘all wrong’….as is often the case with me. I either truly say too much or just not enough of what I should. I’m learning though…slowly but steadily, to speak my mind and it’s become easier now that I am getting to know my out-of-control-psyche…just a tad.

It’s always baffled me that some people just know exactly how things are supposed to be, their minds are clear, straight lines, no loopholes, just plain and simple. Mine isn’t, it’s a constant chaos of what ‘if’s’ and what ‘may’s’ …never ending discussions and options, in one ear and out the other, continuous confusion, mayhem and turbulence….havocking  my ‘upstairs attic room’.

I find it exhausting at times, yet wouldn’t want it any other way….as it’s exactly what makes me, ME. However, I so admire those with clearer views and outlined barriers. I guess it’s like an interior, mine is crowded, cluttered and very lived in, but others live in minimalism often optimally maximizing their options and capacities that way !!

I’m in constant struggle with the ‘shadows in my head’ always wondering which voice to listen to and why…endless discussions good and bad, a waterfall of emotions streaming through now and again, after each big storm, befogging thoughts… but in the end bringing calmness and clarity for a little while, till the next downpour.

It’s like living on a different plane, and ‘odd-dimensional’ layer, one that feels alive but invincible…kind of like the one you sometimes feel you’re in after watching an action movie, where the hero, went through the toughest combats and battles ever, yet, survived and triumphed all, with barely a scratch to show for it…and leaving you in (his) euphoric exaltation.

That kind of almighty perception, is what seems to be what continuously lives in my ‘mind-attic’.

So…having unveiled the insidesghts of  my ‘top chamber’, and probably leaving you thinking I am absolutely bonkers, rest assured that it keeps me living the vida loca, that I so love to dwell in. Looking forward to what comes next, always !!

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