Faced with one of the most difficult tasks in my life due to who I am and how I function, (or not)…I find myself, waiting. Waiting for an answer, a sign, a hint, anything that will make this stomach-aching-clutchy feeling inside of me, settle and calm down.
Once again, I induced the pain and torture of this ‘wait’ on myself….by being careless with a precious gift called ‘love’. One too many rejections, one too many moments of doubt and fear…and the frailty of love dissolved into what if’s and never mind’s …
The pain and regret that directly strike you straight after you get hit by that reality are mind blowing and deeply heartfelt. ‘Not again’ dashes through your mind like a crazy man…accusing you of repeated behaviour and ditto mistakes. Blame and failure set out to win this fight. But who is right…if any of them?!
‘If only’s’ find a way to haunt you down and make ‘what if’s’ ..something of the past. No longer does that future look as bright and colourful as it did the split second before the damage was done. And so, after you hear yourself begging and pleading for the ‘what might have been’s’ ….you realise that all that’s left is waiting. Waiting for what the one you hurt decides your verdict is….:, to continue loving or let go, that is the question. An extremity like hot and cold….two ‘aquaintances’ usually nowhere near to each other, yet so close and made of the same substance. The treacherous debate will now take place within a mind and heart outside your own.
You find yourself waiting in stages.
First denial, because you cannot believe the damage that was done by your carelessness and the amount of love you might have broken…then comes anger, at yourself for having failed and hurt the one person that always stood by you no matter what. This gets followed by pathetic bargaining, a million promises made to solve every single problem that arises. An impossible and truly unaccomplishable task. So you sink into depression, as you realise what you have lost and broken, and that no matter what you might want to glue it back together with, the wound will have to heal by itself ….somehow….and so you accept. Accept that all that can be done is wait. Wait for a miracle, or wait until time helps heal the wound….and hope that what is left of it when ‘healed’ is still strong enough to survive the next stage….whatever the outcome.
But combining all of the above, the list dashes through my head in constant repetition…and makes the wait a long and painful one, with no one but myself to blame for it.