After having practically begged for some ‘followers’ I decided it is not me, but a whole other group of people who should get praise and thanks for all they’ve done and for all they mean to me !!
About 4 years ago, I entered the world of single-hood…scared to death and helplessly wounded I found myself doing everything alone for the first time in 17 years. It was horrid and so very painful. I used to walk/drive around with a ‘pain’ in my stomach that would just never leave or subside…I felt extremely dismantled and somewhat like an entire body mass had been removed from me, yet I still seemed to be experiencing ‘ghost pains’. I remember the weekends, sometimes driving around with the kids to visit my parents, I’d encounter cars full of ‘complete’ families (of course that is all you see, when you feel ‘incomplete’ yourself)…and I’d get that awful nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach all over again. Always feeling the odd one out, always feeling alone, always wondering why, always asking myself for how long. I think this lasted for nearly 3 years and then all of a sudden I noticed that I no longer felt lonely and sorry for myself, but independent, happy and free.
In those 3 years, I cried full rivers, felt the heartache literally disable me physically at times yet at each worst moment, someone was there. Always a friend. Always a smile, and a hug…..words of care and wisdom….friendship in it’s purest form. To this day, it has amazed me what compassion and empathy people can give you when you need it most. I got letters from people I hardly knew, telling me how sorry they were and how unexpected it all was to them. Words of encouragement and praise for (seemingly) handling ‘it’ all so well and with dignity. Each and every time I was touched, yet felt the need to explain that I was not blameless in it all, I too had my part, and I too did my share of damage….there is never just one side to blame when two parties are involved.
I received books, cards, emails, visits, invitations to dinners, lunches, coffees, anything….and my children were loved and cuddled and listened to by all of these hero friends. At times it was hard to hear them say some of the things they said, for it was not always what I wanted to hear, but I tried my best to listen, to grow, and to evolve from the ‘lost’ person I had become. I learnt to have my own opinion again, to laugh again, to enjoy all the littlest things, I even did some things I never expected I could do. (Once I found a dead dove on the balcony and I had to pick it up to discard it, it took all my courage to do so. Death seemed an ongoing theme, for I found a dead squirrel, two dead doves, dead mice, and even a dead cat in those days. One day even a live bat in my bathroom !! All of which I must say, I survived, often with a bit of help lots of laughter and sometimes tears, joined by my heroic helpful friends).
It seems a miracle that I did. Each day was a huge task to get up, and keep going. Each day, I was grateful to have 3 wonderful children, and loving friends and family. Yet each day I wanted to try it alone. I never was alone. There was always a guardian soul somewhere. At times I even wondered how it was possible that so many people could care so much, and do so much, just for me….
Each and every person in a different way, yet still so touching and so effective. Never growing tired of ‘being there’ for me, for us. Never.
Even now, finding myself perfectly capable of living and enjoying life to the fullest again, there is always a person hiding round the corner, surprising me with affection, kindness, and most importantly unconditional friendship. THANK YOU. Thank you for having been there, for being here and for showing me that no matter what, you will always be there.
(You all know who you are….and I love you to bits, my most important people !!!)